I'm in a triad with Sonja and Laura. I've been with Laura for 10 years. Laura has been with Sonja for 4 years. Sonja and I began dating 7 months ago, but we've been close friends/metas for a long time before that.

Laura and I have been living together for most of our relationship, and we are planning to move to a new place with Sonja soon. Laura and I came from another state, so she knows most of my immediate family well, and she has come to big family events of mine a few times. Although we live on the other side of the country from my parents, this is where my parents grew up, and my living grandparents and most of the cousins, aunts and uncles that I'm closest to live a one or two hour drive away.

Sonja came to one Christmas event hosted by my mum's sister, and although I didn't realise it at the time, apparently we made people uncomfortable. We were a bit insular and we made a few inappropriate jokes among ourselves. I felt like I was trying to make sure Sonja and Laura were comfortable, so I was making sure to give them a lot of attention, and I think Sonja was a little intimidated. I've brought this up with both Sonja and Laura after I found out that it didn't go as well as I initially thought.

I normally try to be vague about who Sonja is when I first introduce her. Coming out has been really intimidating. I've told my mum and my brother, as well as a couple of cousins on mum's side, but nobody on dad's side of the family - including dad, who has been divorced from mum for like 12 years - knows that I'm poly or that either I or Laura are in relationships with Sonja. Perhaps I'm worried about nothing - I've been out about dating women for a long time (obviously), and I'm trans, having transitioned almost 15 years ago.

Laura has been out to her family about Sonja for like their entire relationship, and Sonja has come on a holiday trip with Laura's parents last year. Sonja's immediate family have embraced Laura and I, and we've regularly gone on Christmas camping trips together since Laura and Sonja were dating. Sonja's also really open about Laura and I with her extended family, who all live in another country (who we will travel to meet in a few weeks!)

Which brings me up to this: It's my Nanna's 90th coming up soon, this time on my dad's side of the family. I, perhaps somewhat foolishly, said to Laura and Sonja a couple of months ago that I wanted them both to be there, and I checked with my aunt and Nanna to make sure it was OK for Sonja to come... although I haven't told them who Sonja is to me. Sonja's name has come up a few times as we holiday with her and such.

I explicitly lied to my Nanna about Sonja being a friend, instead of my partner. I don't know how I can come out to her, I'm afraid she wouldn't understand, would worry about Laura and I, and might even forget. This might sound awful, and in all honesty I've been thinking this for years and it hasn't happened, but I don't really expect Nanna to have much time left. By the time she has the opportunity to come to terms with this, she might not even be with us. But selfishly, I want her to meet Sonja.

Outside of my dad's sister and Nanna, I'm not really very close to most of my living family on dad's side.

Dad's going to stay with us the night before we go. He's met Sonja before, but didn't know Laura and Sonja were dating.

I'm worried I've made a mistake. I'm worried that I'm being unfair on Sonja by asking her to remain in the closet at a big family event. I'm worried that I'm going to ruin my Nanna's birthday. I just want these people that I love, that I care about, that I want to live with, to be able to be a part of my family, the way I'm able to be a part of theirs.