This is my first post here, and I hate that it has to be this. I’m in a Polyamorous interracial age gap relationship with 2 partners. I have a Primary (M45, long distance) and a Secondary (M44, local), and I am (F21). I have been with my Primary 3 years this May, and with my Secondary about 1 year. My Primary partner also had a Secondary partner. They recently broke up, after about a year and a half of being together, and that’s where this problem sort of begins.

I let my Primary neglect my needs for the past 2 years, and I just recently, maybe last month, talked to him about it. He agreed that he would start tending to my needs more, and I felt better. He was still with his Secondary at that time, and they had a weekend together coming up after he and I spoke about the neglect. At the same time, I’d also sort of started to disconnect from my Primary, and I decided to pour more into my relationship with my Secondary, because I’d been holding back for the sake of my Primary not feeling neglected or loved less. Right as I had made that decision, the same week, my Primary’s Secondary girlfriend broke up with him. She let me know a few minutes before my Primary did, that it had happened, my Primary had felt it coming before they had the weekend together. She left me with him, and I’m afraid that I’m falling out of love with him. I figured that they’d be a better match (my Primary and his Secondary), and that they’d make a future together, but they didn’t. I was set in my mind that I’d be demoted, but I wasn’t.

Now my Primary speaks about how he wants a future with me, after I felt that he wasn’t going to be a part of my future. My Secondary partner gives me lots of validation, support, and isn’t judgmental of me. My Primary has always looked at me through a critical lens, when he never acted that way towards his Secondary.

But his Secondary isn’t with him anymore. I’m all that my Primary has. And I want to leave him too. Should I hold on, and stay with my Primary, or should I just break up with him?

P.S. Please be kind, I’m still learning about Polyamory, and this is my first Polyamorous relationship. I want to learn how to do things right.