My(40f) husband (44m) have been together for 22 years. Married, kids, etc. For several years we had fantasized about threesomes or him having sex with another woman. About a year ago I gave him the go ahead to try to have sex with someone else. Definitely a cuckquean type fantasy. My only rule was no feelings. He had a couple experiences that went great. The women were not looking for a relationship and he had hot sex, then came home and told me about it and we had hot sex. Good times all around.

More recently he started seeing a much younger woman. They went out a lot. She doesn’t have her own place so after a few weeks he asked that they be allowed to come to our house to have sex. I would sleep in another room. I was very worried that this was different than casual sex and that they were both catching feelings. They would go on dates- he said it was because he couldn’t perform well without feeling something. I kept letting my boundaries slip further and further.

Finally I was having such a hard time with it that he suggested getting me involved. We had a threesome. It was nice. I found out I am definitely very bisexual. Things progressed and he wants polyamory. I have been dealing with my own stuff- abandonment issues from my childhood - and the timing couldn’t be worse. I have a very hard time speaking up for myself and I am a people pleaser. I care about her and don’t want to hurt her, but I didn’t sign up for this. It’s specifically not what I wanted. When she is over I am not myself. I feel so disconnected from my husband. I have self-harmed and had suicidal thoughts. I also find that when we have set aside time for just me and my husband to reconnect, she always has some crisis that causes him to go running to her rescue. She even did this on Mother’s Day which meant I wasn’t able to see my son. I just don’t know what to do.

When I let my husband know how I’m feeling he always offers to end it but then keeps pushing for new ways to navigate the situation that he thinks will make it workable for me. It’s clear he really wants to continue and will really push me to go along. He has been going through some personal tragedies as well and part of me feels like I can’t take happiness away from him. I just feel like my needs and wants aren’t taken into consideration. She tells him she loves me and loves having sex with me- which he always points to as a reason to continue, but she really doesn’t engage with me when we have sex. I eat her out, but she doesn’t reciprocate much. I often think she is just telling him what he wants to hear. I miss us terribly and I fear he doesn’t. I could really use some advice.