This will be a long one. I've been sitting on this a while and I have no support network here in Ohio for Polyamory. I'll try to boil down the details as much as possible.

My wife and I have been together for about 10 years and have 2 kids. During the pandemic, I started experimenting with crossdressing and for about 3 years she really struggled with how feminine I was presenting. We were in marriage counseling for a good while. It was very hard because a lot of it was about how my wife was no longer finding me attractive. I didn't want to stop because I felt like my wife didn't find me attractive regardless and had a lot of resentment about her massive change in sex drive ever since we had kids.

She eventually suggested we try being Poly/ENM and I agreed because after seeing how upset she was over how I was presenting, I didn't know what else to do. In retrospect, I think it was not completely the right reason, but I wanted her to be happy in the relationship we had.

We tried don't ask don't tell. That was a bad idea. I wasn't ready and I never really thought she'd go through with dating someone else, but she did and found someone amazing almost immediately. It lead to a pretty big break down on my part because I had been abused, gaslit, cheated on, and left from a prior marriage.

Long story short, it's been a hell of a month. I've endured some of the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced. She has several good friends who have been or are Poly and has gotten support and encouragement from them. I have no such network of friends. In fact, since I'm a WFH Stay at Home Dad, I feel very isolated and alone. I have few friends and none of them are Poly. I'm still recovering from the pandemic having a baby and most of my friends are mutual friends with her. I've been Monogamous my whole life.

She, on the other hand, has been in a 7 year poly same sex relationship. I've shared my feelings, probably overshared at this point, and told her I feel like I'm being replaced by this guy. The NRE has hit real hard - there are two days a week she'll see him from morning til late afternoon and then she'll go out to dinner with him at least once a week, sometimes twice. When she's home, she's texting him.

She doesn't hide things from me or lie about whats happening, but she's introduced him to her close friends and is taking a 2 day vacation with him in a few weeks. She's very eager to see me start dating someone. She's wanted me to date someone for a while now because she just can't match my sex drive anymore. I've talked with her about how that feels like rejection, but since she's been Poly before she doesn't see it that way. I can see her perspective now, but it's hard to take in and internalize.

We still go on dates, although not nearly as many as the new guy. We spend child-free time together, but not nearly as much as the new guy gets. It sucks but I'm just chocking it up to NRE. I'm beginning to have moments of real compersion, though. I don't always feel jealous. I've met the guy and he's handsome as fuck. I get why she's into him. I was polite to him, if a bit awkward, but it was good to see him. He spoils her, makes her breakfast in the morning, takes her out to dinner to fancy places, and is teaching her Russian. I'm very happy for her and I'm glad someone is making her feel special, because she really is special.

But my anxiety is just killing me sometimes. I go through cycles where, despite what she says ("It's Poly, not Replace-y!" - "It's just NRE, it's normal!"), I struggle to maintain rationality and to separate healthy asks from needy, clingy insecurity. I have a running journal of the internal dialog I have with myself where I battle it out against this demanding, jealous, vindictive inner dialog that tears me down while at the same time suggesting that I'd be better off if I'd just leave her and start over, which is not what I want at all. I'm just trying to protect myself from being hurt more. I also feel like abandonment is my go to because that's what I've been shown from my parents and from my past relationships.

She's been able to be more supportive when I do decide to present femme, and I've dialed it back quite a bit, realizing that I'm not trans necessarily, but perhaps gender nonconforming at best, maybe genderfluid at the worst. It's a shot to my ego when she says "I have a man in my life now, so you're fine to be who yourself!" because I know she's primarily attracted to men. We're in kind of a weird place because she says she sees me as a woman, but is still attracted to me and we still have sex. We've actually had more since we went Poly, which has been a nice change! There are lots of good things in our relationship that still happen.

My emotions get the worst when she has a sleep over, which i've asked her to dial back on and she reluctantly has. The weekend trip she's taking being the only exception. The late night dinner dates and the weekend trips are the hardest. She's had one over-night trip which triggered me setting this boundary, because it was so traumatic I started disassociating during the day. I've tried distracting myself, but it's all-consuming. I've learned through this that I have some serious issues with abandonment that I've now recognized and am working through.

I'll be honest, I still don't 100% trust whats happening. I've told her that and told her I need time to build that trust and not to hurt me during this period any more than I'm already hurting. My anxious, trauma riddled brain is still convinced she's monkeybranching and going to leave me for this guy and that I'm really, really stupid for trusting her. She does have moments where she's compared me to him, which he's apologized for, and generally has been more critical of my household cleaning than usual. When my insecurities flair up, I have days where I'm afraid to make any mistake or I'm afraid to present femme at all, because I feel like it will push her away even more. I do wish she would see him a little less, but I tell myself "he's the new guy" and hope that things will calm down soon. That would make me feel more comfortable, but I've been assured that it's just NRE. She was so upset when I was crossdressing, I don't feel like it's fair for me to ask her to dial it back for me right now, even though that would make me feel a little safer. I don't want her to resent me.

My parents are very religious, I can't talk to them about this. I've set up some therapy for myself and we're still in marriage counseling. I have tried to find someone to date and I seesaw between being really excited and turned on by everything that is happening and being filled by a crushing despair and a feeling that I'm being asked to outsource sex, intimacy, and closeness. Right now I'm just focused on going on fun dates and meeting people. I've had like 1 and it was interesting and fun enough that perhaps it could work out! I still don't trust whether Poly is working for us or whether I'm just putting on blinders while my partner exits the facility, but I've been reassured that we are good, she's committed, and we'll get through this together.

I wanted to share this journey for feedback, prospectives, and to support anyone else who has recently gone Poly and struggling.