This will be long. But I am desperate here, and hopefully some outside perspective can be helpful.

We are two married couples, each with kids, and our spouses are primary. We have been together 8 months. We are all very close, and date each other separately (M/F and M/F, “wife swap” essentially), but the 4 of us have vacationed together, and our families also spend time together. We have had difficulties (mostly in time/scheduling), but talk often about the importance of “the 4 of us” working and respecting our primary relationships has never been an issue. We have talked about a future where we all live together with our kids, it’s that serious.

I am the wife of couple 1. The wife of couple 2 has become one of my best friends. I adore her, and I totally support her and my husband in their relationship.

My husband and I have had several issues lingering between us that have not been resolved. One of these is a coworker he has a casual thing with on his own- and he has also brought into his relationship with the other wife, on a sexual level. That is not the problem. I am fine with that. However, the first time he went to her house ended up being an overnight which was not discussed ahead of time, and the way he handled the whole thing left me feeling very uneasy. She is also single, never been involved in an open relationship, and has told him that she is worried about getting too attached. He decided at one point to tell her that they should just be friends, for that reason. I trusted that he was managing all of that just fine. I know they talk, and I know there have been talks of getting together again, or even her hanging out with all of us. Again, I’m ok with any of that. But yes, still a little bit on alert. And I feel like husband has not helped ease my feelings, or had empathy for them. Instead, he has become secretive about his interactions with her, which just has made me more uneasy.

Fast forward - I was buying tickets to a sporting event for our family that we were planning to attend, and husband interjected - “Wait, what’s the date? Oh, I’m going to be away for the weekend with [other wife] and [coworker].” This upset me. We usually clear any plans like this with each other ahead of time. He shrugged it off as “I haven’t had a chance to tell you.”

That was a few weeks ago. Meanwhile, I have been struggling with my own mental health. I changed medication and have been horribly depressed, anxious, and horrible to be around. As his weekend plans approached, he made no effort to make me feel better about any of it. I told him how much it bothered me that he was ditching family plans for this, and how his secrecy around coworker makes me uneasy. He shrugs this all off. He said if I wanted him to cancel, I needed to say so. I said “I’m not telling you what to do. You need to decide for yourself.”

The week leading up to his plans, was horrendous. I barely got out of bed. We fought about other things - money, household issues, etc. I told him his disregard for my feelings in so many areas, and lack of effort to fix anything, made me feel that our marriage was over. I talked about divorce. I was angry and unstable. I lost control during an argument, threw my phone across the room and hit him. Everything was spiraling down so fast. He oscillated between “I love you and I’m worried about you” to simply ignoring me. I saw a wrapped gift by his desk and I said “who’s that for? Let me guess, [coworker]?” He said no, it’s my mothers day gift.

Friday came, and I hoped he would stay home and work on fixing us. He tried to kiss me goodbye to leave, and I said “If you leave now, I will be gone when you get back.” He turned around and left.

I texted him several times that he was throwing away our marriage, that I couldn’t believe he cared about me so little, that I hoped having his dick in [coworker] was worth it, etc. He ignored me. I began making plans for my kids and where I would go before he returned on Sunday. Part of me hoped I’d hear from him. That he was sorry and was coming home. That he loved me and wanted to work things out…. But not a word.

I logged into his Marco Polo (video chat app) account. Yes, this was wrong. However, what I found was worse than I expected. My suspicions were spot on. When their weekend plans were made he said “better to ask for forgiveness than permission”. He knew I wouldn’t like it, but he just didn’t care. Their motto was “NFG” (no fucks given) in talking about me. The gift? Was indeed for [coworker]. He and [other wife] talked about how he hid his location while he went to see [coworker] at her house during the workday. They talked about how crazy I am, what a bitch I am, how much easier life would be without me, etc. Moments after he drove away on Friday, he was all smiles discussing how excited they were for their weekend. This woman was my closest friend. I adored her. Hearing these conversations about me tore me apart. The way he talked about me when I was at such a low point, and all they cared about was obsessing over their sex toys for their big weekend with [coworker]. Watching video of them out dancing and partying while I was in our bed sobbing was excruciating.

I brought my kids to their dad’s house (husband is step-dad) and I went to a hotel. I met with an attorney. I set aside some money and spent 2 days planning what to do next. I am shattered by this, and none of this is what I wanted. It didn’t have to be this way. All I needed was some empathy from him. I might have ended up loving [coworker] and befriending her, but he never tried to have us meet or make this ok.

Of course, he got home and was surprised that I left. I talked to him yesterday and stayed calm and made it very much about next steps toward us separating. He sobbed. He’s sorry. He wants it to work. Will I go to counseling? What will it take?

I feel like there’s no way back after the conversations I heard. I expected some venting about me. I could handle even hearing that I’m a bitch… but plotting and lying and joking and laughing about my depression was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know how I can get past that. Especially if he and her are still together. I also don’t want to lose [other husband], who has been amazing through all of this - supportive for me but he also has upset me at times because he wants me to work things out, he still wants all 4 of us to work. I just don’t see how that can ever happen. I feel so stupid.

If you read this, thank you.