The conflict I feel is so overwhelming. D day was last Wednesday. A week ago from today everything was “normal” and we had such a nice, romantic night where I brought him his favorite steak, went to the store to buy me ice cream like usual, made love, and had sleepover where he cuddled me all night.

I dated this guy since July, became official in February. I always thought he was poly because when I first met him he was seeing multiple other people, and he was sexually open. We had an agreement that we would be open, and my only boundary was complete transparency and honesty. He told me he wasn’t interested in seeing other people anymore anyways.

He had a “toxic, controlling, manipulative long distance ex that he had an open relationship with prior.” It caused us a lot of conflict because he was always “torn” about “not being ready” to be with me yet, but loving me and wanting to stay. I thought he had trauma, I was being patient. The only thing we fought about was why he was maintaining an attachment to a “toxic ex”

We had a genuine connection, and told eachother we loved each other. We had so many real dates. he told me “this is real” and how he felt so lucky to have gotten to spend the time with me that he did, and how glad he was to have met me. We had a song, we talked everyday, saw eachother twice a week at minimum for months, talked about a future.

I found out he lied about deleting his ex on snap and I lost it. Begged him to tell the truth about anything else he was lying about. He refused, wanted to break up because of the huge explosion and my trust issues. I found her number and called her to find my own truth… discovered they had been together 3 years, never open, and all my fears were right.

He promptly blocked me on everything, no apology to me. Meanwhile fawning to her for a second chance, downplaying our connection, saying “I reminded him of her.” Bull, we’re two different people. I told her don’t let him make it sound like a reflection of his love for her, that’s more twisted than just admitting to having feelings for two very different woman. She agreed although I know it’s a hurtful truth for her.

If I was “nothing” he would not have risked so much to be with me for so long. We went out on NUMEROUS dates in public, I met some of his friends, he met many of mine. We had ongoing plans for the summer too. Now I realize he kept feeling conflicting about being with me because of guilt of lying to us both and how we started off as a lie, but not wanting to leave at the same time because I know his feelings were real.

I can’t help but feel jealousy towards her. I had a vision of the future with him and a love that can’t just go away, and not only was I betrayed, but I’m the one left to pick up the pieces all by myself while he’s sitting with her feeling. I identify as poly myself so my distraught is not that he loved another girl, but it’s the deceit to both of us. Because he knew I’d never consent to help him cheat on a monogamous girl.

I feel so bad because in a way I feel like I betrayed him by accidentally exposing an affair. I found out I was betrayed too. I still feel terrible for hurting him even after all he’s done. I never wanted to hurt him and now I feel he will never forgive me for taking away his chance to do the right thing on his own when he was ready, after doing the wrong thing for so long. I also cried and told him I hated him, I wish I never met him, and told him I hope he rots. I regret it so much, and I’m coming to tears even thinking about it now. The terrible thoughts are at war with all the pleasant memories I have.

Another part of me remembers I’m much better off than either of them. I’m not the one stuck in a toxic 3 year relationship. He told me I deserved better than him, he wanted me to be happy, he thought the world of me ect… perhaps they were excuses, but I think it also says volumes about how he might feel about her and what he thinks he must deserve.. He’s been living in an alternative reality where he’s been broken up with her for 1 year and starting a new relationship. I think he’s just too afraid to let go of the past. Because people don’t just do something like that unless their relationship is broken. I try to find comfort that this is not a love story for them, but instead it causes me great sadness to know if they stays together there will not be healing.

I’m missing him, he has to be missing me too. But I’m so afraid he is probably not even thinking about me because he’s so busy picking up the pieces with her, bending over backwards to fix what he’s done. Surely he has had his heart broken twice from this experience?

I hope one day, he looks back and wishes he had the courage to follow his heart and not his fears even after countless wrong choices. I hope he regrets lying to me and her. I hope he regrets not having the courage to break up with her the moment he thought about cheating. I hope he wishes he started off our relationship under honest pretenses and without guilt, and wishes he could have shown me off, had the future with me that we both talked about, or had a relationship where he could have been his authentic self. I hope he feels great regret for not giving me a proper goodbye or apology, or that the relationship could not be explored to it’s full potential run its natural course because it was started under impossible circumstances. I hope when he’s left with just her, it sinks in how much he misses the happiness I brought him that was lacking in their relationship for so long.

SUMMARY: So many conflicting feelings over finding out you are the other woman, getting unceremoniously dumped and left for the “main woman.”