So 1y relationship, poly from the start, both doing pretty well with it and mature good communicators (them more so, I'm a lil anxious quiet bean who needs help).

They had a new connection with kissing a slight intimacy the other day. No boundaries or rules broken, all dandy.

When they told me it was like a gut punch and I shut down and had to leave to process my thoughts and feelings, I didn't even want to kiss them.

This hasn't happened like this before (I am not in a great spot mental health wise that is a contributing factor).

I've had some space and processed some of my mean brains ideas but it hasn't made things much better. I can fully acknowledge the insecurities are all my own and not related to them - some of it is around my dislike for this specific partner and another portion of it is about their lack of discernment (i.e. being open to anyone who persues them vs my very intentional demi approach to things).

But my anxious mind is still ruminating on it and fight/flight pre-planning how to talk about it as it's core task (distracting me from work etc).

And I still don't feel like kissing them, let along being intimate. Like a switch has been flicked.

I don't want to punish them or have this be something on their mind for future opportunities, they have done nothing wrong. I'm just having trouble with ME and my brain.

None of this was a question but maybe your input could help me move forward.