I'll try to keep this short but the TL;DR version is that I would like to gather some resources to help someone out because I know they want to get better and they've been spending the past two years working on this on their own, but there's only so far you can get without reaching out or being able to afford therapy. I want to be more helpful and I want to be able to provide better advice that's not limited to my own personal experiences / thought process.

Information:

My friend (24M) had confided in me that he would like to date a person who is poly, but he's only had one relationship in the past where he dated a girl in high school and lost himself to his insecurities. He basically described it as "I only ever wanted her to give me affection and I would feel jealous if I saw her giving that to other people" and it used to be so bad when he was a young teen, that he would even get jealous of friends hanging out together when he wasn't invited to come along (which I mean, fair and valid to be upset when your whole circle excludes you in something fun). He acknowledges it as incredibly harmful and refers to it as a time where he was an asshole, he knows he was wrong for getting mad about it and making it known. I see it as progress and he has been taking active measures to keep himself from ever reacting that way again (he hasn't snapped at anyone or even fallen back into those old negative core beliefs in recent years), he also knows when to pull himself out of a conversation if it gets heated or he knows he might get mad/upset if the conversation continues on a negative trajectory. He values being able to communicate with a cool head and he doesn't want to revert back to that time in his life where he reacted poorly because he knows it's wrong and there are no excuses for it.

From what I can gather, it likely stems from feeling abandoned and rejected at certain points in his past plus he has a terrible family dynamic. His family doesn't treat him well despite how hard he works and shows that he is the reliable grandchild in the family. They actively use him for chores, rides, and force him to do what the family feels is best at all times without really caring about him as a person. If he needs something or plans to spend time with a relative, they ditch him and don't apologize for it. This wouldn't be something he'd put up with if he could afford to move out and live on his own, but also he sticks around to take care of an elderly relative that is kind to him.

Not only that but there was racism involved and making friends was hard for him for other personal reasons (where people hated him due to their biases and stereotyping him by looking at him).

Right now, I know that he is afraid of pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone but he is serious about the poly person he would like to date, IF he could get past his issues and feel safe enough to trust himself again. He does not want to slip back into those negative beliefs and he does not want to harm the other person, but he isn't sure when he'll be able to ensure that he's got a real grasp on this.

(The USA is god awful in the mental health and emotional growth department.) I generally believe that men have a different lived experience when it comes to dealing with emotions, insecurities, jealousy, and all of that stuff because women are taught to be caretakers who are empathetic and put others before their needs... Men are often taught to conceal and bury, rather than being given tools to handle their feelings maturely and rationally. I think that this kind of weighs down on my friend with how he's always expected to be the "golden child" at his own expense, plus the racial factors that come into play and you are expected to act a very certain way as a young Black man.

Which is why I'm wondering if there are any resources or even personal stories that men might be able to share on their journey to self-acceptance / healing? Any kind of encouragement, especially if you are a father, may be helpful to share with my friend because his father passed away when he was a teen and I think he missed out on a lot of those kinds of conversations that could have been helpful for his emotional growth. (His father was the parent that actually cared for his well-being, so he became reclusive after the loss and had to raise himself.)

This is probably a lot to read but I wanted to put it out as thoughtfully as I could that I simply want to find resources to help my friend and I want to show him a lot of care because I can see how hard he's trying, he's definitely not the same person he was when he was a teenager so I think he could use some forgiveness and self-compassion too.

Please be gentle/kind with any advice given (as I might send the link to this to my friend so he can read comments). I really don't think it's helpful to say things like "just do the work" or something that doesn't actually help with cognitive distortions and taking steps to improve oneself when you're not sure what else you can do in order to change how those intrusive thoughts still spring up over time. I want to help him, not kick him while he's down.

If it needs to be said, he has communicated all of this to the poly person and that he's working on himself before he agrees to starting a relationship. He does not want to control them in any way, he encourages them to follow their happiness wherever it takes them, and he is the type to listen, communicate, and speak directly/bluntly. He means what he says and he doesn't skirt around issues, he tackles things head on. So I believe he will accept advice and feedback because he wants to do better as a person, and of course as a future partner someday.