Undergoing a whole slew of big life changes at the moment and I'm feeling a hell of a lot but I really don't feel like I have any safe space to express my thoughts and emotions.

I (F31) have recently ended my relationship with my (M30) nesting partner; we have been together for several years. Roughly two years ago I started seeing another partner (M29) which started off quite as quite casual dates but has progressed over time to a serious relationship. Over this two year time period the relationship with my nesting partner began to deteriorate with a lot of very small issues that I might have shrugged off normally or written off as miscommunication gradually snowballing into what was the catalyst for ending the relationship outright-- insidious emotional abuse, micro-aggressions that other friends noticed, a frustration at time shared with others or with my other partners, acts of rage that as a person who has previously gone through relationship violence were terrifying to me... Etc. It left me in a worse shape mentally than I have been in at least a decade and resorting to self-harm at my lowest points. I have no confidence left and every decision-- even the smallest and most inconsequential-- leaves me panicked and with the fear that I'll be punished somehow if I make the wrong choice.

Initially the end of the relationship was a huge breath of relief and I felt like I had an opportunity to rebuild what it was I had lost over the past few years. But since our breakup has been made public and X has talked about it with friends and family I have been feeling more and more alone by the day. Some friends have completely disappeared. Others come forward with accusatory statements about "how could I do this to X/why are you leaving them for Y". In my reluctance/fear of sharing with people how I was thinking and feeling I feel I've been given the mantle of the villain because no one knows what I have been going through.

I'm not going to say that I haven't done anything wrong; there were definitely instances of boundaries crossed and promises broken that I was responsible for while navigating the new relationship and I've accepted that they were handled poorly and vowed to learn from them. But I don't think I'm the hideous, reckless monster that I'm being made out to be. I just want to be better, both for myself and for those I spend time with in the future.