Just need to vent out some stuff to folks who understand it. Non-poly friends with far worse relationship issues have been pretty dismissive and shitty.

It seems like my partner's NP has decided that she wants to be hierarchical after all. After months of her expressing to me an interest in a triad, in cohabiting and "at the very least being best friends", asking me for advice for decorating so I feel like I'm part of the home, picking out a place when they moved so I had my own room, telling me not to renew my lease...she vetoed it all right before I was set to move in. She spoke to me like I was a burden, not just on her but on everyone (partner, friends, etc), and expressed how she wants to feel comfortable (quote) "in my own house", and that she is (quote) "not responsible for your needs." This wasn't a hinge problem or communication problem, this was her problem specifically with me--but I'm her only meta, and she doesn't have any other partners.

I'm feeling pretty hurt and betrayed, and stressed about having to find a new place to live on extremely short notice. She apologized to my partner for how she changed her mind and how she spoke to me, but she never apologized to me. I feel pretty goddamn dehumanized. She also doesn't seem to understand that I would want space after the way she spoke to me, and has sent me dozens of tiktoks like nothing has changed.

The naivety of it all, though, is probably the worst. "They agreed to get their own place, so it's fine!" As if this didn't throw every single one of us for a loop. My partner is now paying rent on a house too big for just the two of them, I'm going to be out thousands of dollars, and my mood goes sour every time she interrupts my calls with my partner because hearing her voice or seeing her face upsets me.

(want to note that partner is also feeling hurt and betrayed, and has spoken with her about communication, honesty, and reestablished his needs in a relationship to both of us--but this is a post to get out my hurt feelings)

​

EDIT: A lot of folks are reasonably upset with partner's response, and I didn't list it here because it wasn't the focus. You're all absolutely right for saying it's a hinge problem (because it almost always is), I just kind of disagree because of reasons that I didn't care to share.

Partner left his marriage years ago because a similar situation: claimed she was 100% on board with non-hierarchical polyamory, got territorial and possessive once a new partner entered the picture, made demands and ultimatums--so when he left her and entered into this relationship with his current NP, he made it abundantly clear what he's looking for, asked her how she felt, and there has been zero issues since. Never any issue at all since day 1. To his knowledge, she was fully on the same page as him throughout not just their relationship, but ours.

He made it clear to her when she said that she didn't want me in the house (ambushed him while picking up takeout and I was back at the house) that it was ultimately my decision since plans were already made, and that he's not the one to talk to about this. They came back to the house, and she ambushed me right off the bat saying that she wants me to get my own place. The way she spoke to me, I immediately went, "Yeah, okay." I wasn't going to live in a house with her after that.

She did try to offer me staying temporarily, "like a month or something", until I find a new place. But again: she was so bothered by me after a few days, it'd be a horrible idea to take up that offer.

He's going through his own trauma and relationship drama right now, lots of painful and stressful conversations being had behind closed doors. I get the cliff notes, mainly focusing on how he's feeling, and that's more than I feel privy to since I asked for full parallel for at least the time being. Our relationship is solid, despite my anxiety and attachment issues getting all riled up and fights that I inadvertently start due to micro-breakdowns over everything. He feels his relationship with his NP is back to being solid, but he's being cautious and analyzing her responses to things now.

My priority for the past two weeks was just to lick my wounds and dive head-first into apartment hunting. However, I did ask him how he'd react if this isn't the last of this behavior. He stated very matter-of-factly that he would not tolerate that, it'd be over, no second thought. He hasn't done so yet because she has once again told him that she's totally on the same page, everything is great--I'm the only one who doesn't trust that. 100% of my interactions with her have been lies and condescension. 0.00001% of his interactions with her have been that. We're both extremely biased in this.

He also said that if I experience any issues finding a place in time before my lease ends, I'm moving there and she will have to be okay with that. If she isn't, that's a problem she needs to get over or she needs to leave.

With regards to the interruptions, she always interrupted our calls. Because it was a potential triad/cohabiting with our hinge situation, it wasn't nearly as intrusive, and she never interrupted when the door was closed. It also didn't happen terribly often. I want to believe she just is so naive and assumes everything is fine between us. However, I'm making mental notes of how often it's happening and why. I think my partner is doing that too, because he's not nearly as welcoming to the interruptions anymore either.