Hello hello! I wrote here about a month ago regarding an "Alpha" and "Beta" (cover names for partners at the time).. and for a week I contemplated posting but this is more of a vent/sendoff than an advice-seek. I have no hatred or ill-will towards Alpha.

Original Post..

Following that post I had a very in-depth conversation with "Alpha" and the guy she was flirting with at the time. While they made up after a week it still stood true that a lot of my inferiority I had felt stemmed from Alpha's difficulty to love me equally because I am not masculine. Alpha is.. very masculine leaning. She had made an effort to level the playing field and it worked with reassurance and plenty of comfort up until a week ago as of writing this. That inferiority came back as well as a slew of other topics that were not only barring me from feeling like I could be longterm with her, but also topics that were keeping her from 'fully enjoying the relationship' with me the way I was with her. We have had dozens of fights and conflicts leading up to this point that frankly had traumatized us both and formed what I could only assume was a trauma bound keeping us together by the time I started becoming self-aware of what was going on.

Given by the fact that I'm posting this, it didn't go well. She pushed a lot of blame onto me for things that I wasn't responsible for. She got extremely defensive, rude, pushy and almost to an extent narcissistic saying things such as (not verbatim) "I will make you feel shitty if you do something wrong" "Fucking cry about it" "This is your problem, not mine" and so forth. I limited my passive-aggression and sugarcoating as much as I could for the sake of being able to, once and for all, work things out with Alpha. Given their mentality they weren't on the same page.I on the other hand, on behalf of my BPD, had to take a logical standpoint to the conversation as much as I possibly could to avoid overthinking the conversation as a whole. Following roughly five days of no-contact and thinking, writing, talking with my therapist and other unbiased mutuals. I had called out my own fault in language and went as far as to gather proof for everything I could. There was no perfect person in this scenario and I had to make that clear. But as you read on, it didn't exactly pan out that way. The end result was the exact opposite.

I went into the follow-up the other day hoping to clear the air and help her understand where she went wrong, request an apology, update her on all of the crazy things that had happened the past few days and move forward with the relationship like she very much-so wanted. We only got as far as me asking her if she 'meant what she said' by some of the aforementioned quotes. For the vast majority her intent was the same and left me with such a betrayed feeling in my heart wondering if she had been like this all this time. "I've never changed", she told me. One might assume I was blinded by love up until this point seeing as it struck such similarities to past relationships where I held out holding my hand for someone that didn't communicate with me as well as they could have.

Alpha had sent numerous paragraphs of passionate ranting, blame-pushing and gave the whole "I did everything for you, you were never here for me" shtick. I had my difficulty comforting her at the beginning of our relationship but very quickly caught on and became extremely attentive of when she was feeling down and needed support. Did the best I could, however I could. Pulled all nighters to make sure she'd be okay and sleep with a smile. I'm not trying to victimize myself or paint myself innocent however, I don't think Alpha entirely was either. We both had our faults and it got to a point where by the time she had finished explaining how she felt, in part discussing with her own mutuals, I had to cut the cord and break up. I had been pushed too far for the last time and in the nicest way possible I had to tell Alpha I couldn't take it anymore. People will always believe what they want to believe and I wasn't going to continue going around in circles if our communication styles just didn't work. So in a way, this is my 'reply' that she wanted. We didn't say goodbyes, I told her to find someone better and work on herself because I wasn't doing any good for her. She left in a storm.

I sincerely hope that I am able to heal from this experience and she is able to heal from however she may feel, valid as it is even if her and I are too stuck in our own ways to see eye to eye. We can speak in concern as we may without venom on our tongue, and let those around us speak for us. She taught me so much and left such an impression on me. I even opened her up to polyamory, which was very much beyond both of our expectations. I hope she can find and curate a polycule of people who will understand her. I'll miss her and honor her all the same.