I just listened to the polyamory episode of the queer collective, and it got me thinking.

I was vibing with everything being discussed until they got to the topic of jealousy. I am generally not a person who gets jealous often, and I think that's just by virtue of my own personal ideals and such. But what struck me, even hurt me a little, if I'm honest was when Yaz spoke about their jealousy in relation to their partner's ability to have casual sex. I didn't have a word for the sense of longing I often feel, or the achy feeling I get towards anyone I've come across with multiple relationships or entanglements.

I've been jealous, and those thoughts have been rooted in feelings of inadequacy. I feel defective, and I'm unsure how to cope with or fix that feeling. I'm jealous of those RA polyam folks, I'm jealous of my partner's ability to meet and talk to folks, I'm jealous of those cute little polycules I've been seeing on here. I feel lacking because I don't know how to achieve those things. As a personality trait, I'm an aggressive flirt- if I know the person. In the wild, I'm the equivalent of revving the engine on a parked car- all gas with no start.

I'm talking to this nice girl and have been talking to her for almost 2 months and like her, but the thought of getting closer with her, * knowing * that she would like that as well freaks me out. At the same time, I worry that everyone I am attracted to will eventually get tired and leave me behind because I paralyzed with fear? inexperience? self doubt? And move slower than frozen molasses, even for things I want.

Am I broken?