I (33F) started non monogamy in an unethical way. I cheated on my husband “M” (32M) and hurt him as well as the people I was cheating with. While I never lied about the cheating (I came clean pretty much immediately), I had lied to all of them about what the situation was because I was also lying to myself about what I wanted. I’ve since done a LOT of work on myself in and out of therapy.

In the initial trust-building, I’d agreed to never again speak to the first person I’d cheated with, “J” (30M).

We’ve now been ETHICALLY non-monogamous - specifically polyamorous - for a little over 1.5 years, about 6 months after the initial cheating.

J reached out to me the other day to say hi and see how I was doing. I told M and he said he would rather I didn’t reply to J but I told him it was rude to just not tell J the situation. And M agreed, begrudgingly.

However, I want to actually talk to J now. He’s moved to a different state so it’s not like we’d see each other or rekindle anything… but he was always someone I could see as a friend.

M and I just got into an hour-long fight because I brought it up (for some reason, he thought it was relevant that I did it in-between couples therapy sessions, though I thought that was mature of me to try to do…).

I have - admittedly - some control issues I am in the progress of working through. When he tells me that we agreed for me to never speak to J again, I immediately want to revel. I just don’t know why it’s such a big deal. And then he goes into the fact that the cheating was one of the most traumatic and heartbreaking experiences of his life.

None of this is meant to invalidate his feelings… but also he says that he’s NEVER going to change his mind on this.

For me, I know I don’t want to lose M over someone I saw twice 2 years ago. But I also can’t get past the control over who I can even talk to, not even to meet with.

I feel like this goes beyond J even if M thinks it’s not about that but about the principle of our trust.

I really don’t know how to reconcile all of these feelings and his black and white thought distortions here.

TLDR: husband claims that by talking to someone I cheated on him with (2 years after the cheating), I’m making light of his trauma from the event. I feel stifled by the control and need to rebel. How do I reconcile these feelings?

UPDATE: I broke things off with J. It’s not worth my marriage and I need to work on my impulse, control, and other issues right now. Thank you to those who genuinely gave me advice here.