Every time I see a post in here about a couple opening up [sans duress or cheating], there’s always at least one response giving the suggestion that the couple should maybe just split up because someone is “miserable.” While sometimes that may be valid advice, in others, the OP has at least appeared to do the work to let go of any perceived control over their partner and is giving the relationship room to evolve, but needs advice on self soothing and reframing, whether they’ve explicitly asked for those tips or are just figuring themselves out.

From one perspective, some people get married/ are long term mono partners and very highly value their word & commitment to stay together as an infinitely serious matter of personal integrity. They would just rather find a way to continue to honor that for as long as possible, come what may, and work on how not to be miserable if the change in the relationship is at all bearable. That’s their choice which deserves respect the same as someone’s efforts to be ethically non-monogamous in whatever form and deal with hard feelings as they come up, reserving the right to leave whenever something comes up that they really don’t like.

Simultaneously, when it comes to other people in duly poly relationships having bearable but miserable feelings come up, usually very few are telling them to just leave their partner. They get the “continue to do the work, here’s how I self soothe, check out this link” treatment. (Though some people use this condescendingly to newly poly people too).

This is not the only inconsistency I’ve noticed when it comes to respecting differences of method and opinion, and longevity in non-monogamy/ poly in this group. And some people are just downright mean or dismissive in the comments to posters in general when an issue appears trivial to them.

So poly peeps, I ask….where’s the love in that?

Note: I’m not monogamous, so please don’t think I’m self inserting my own frustrations. I just noticed the difference in treatment very clearly, which I don’t think is fair.

Edit: I should have qualified that I’m talking about people who are dealing with what could very well be the intermittent emotional challenges that come with opening up, such as learning to self sooth and internalizing affirmations about the healthy security of their relationship. People tend to find those times “miserable” or dreadful, but they are also fleeting. These people know they can leave, but would just rather not because their commitment doesn’t end with the end of monogamy. I’m not talking about people who want to be in a completely monogamous relationship and are essentially reluctant to back out of the relationship for whatever reason despite knowing that. I do recognize there is a difference. My point was that a lot of people here offer the “just breakup advice” to everyone opening up like there isn’t one.