context: my gf (21cisF) and i (22FtM) have been together almost 4 years now. nearly 2 years of our relationship i was still identifying as female and considered a lesbian. i came out as a tran man 2 years ago.

recently in the past 4~ months or so we decided to open up our relationship and explore polyamory and sexuality and such. We had a situation where she was going through a mania episode when we initially opened up 4 months ago due to bad meds. we decided to close back up until she was more stable. now she’s much more stable on new meds so we decided to open up again.

normally i don’t have an issue with the idea of her seeing other people. this is something i actually asked for as i’ve always been poly but never got a chance to actually explore it. she eventually was open to it. after we temporarily closed until we got her stable on the good meds, so naturally when i saw she was doing well, i brought up the topic of opening up again. she totally freaked out and completely backtracked. i told her it’s her decision if we remain monogamous or if she was ready to be open. she cried and claimed she wasn’t ready, but still said that we’re gonna be open anyway. so i just took it slow. i haven’t really gone out of my way to meet people and don’t really intend to do that, i like things to happen naturally. she seemed to make it known pretty regularly that she was not ready and i fully respected that and never even did anything. she always said that if i have someone of interest but she doesn’t, then it’s unfair even though she claimed she didn’t want to be with other people.

so you can imagine my frustration with this and i suggested that we don’t have to be open, once again. she said no, multiple times, to stay open. this was like 5 days ago. now she has been meeting people on tinder and such which is great! i’m glad she’s feeling comfortable to look into it now. but now that she has people she’s interested in, being open is no longer an issue. and now i’m a bit concerned because if i meet someone and things don’t work out with those people she’s interested in, she’s going to turn around and tell me it’s unfair again. i don’t want that and i communicated that to her if she can’t be okay with being other-partnered while i may or may not have a partner at the time, then we shouldn’t be open yet. she insisted to stay open because she wants to try it all out. fine. that’s ok. i’ll just be careful, right?

today, she has a date with a guy (19CisM). that’s great! he told her that he was gonna pay for everything and to be prepared because he wants to kiss. i think that’s really sweet and i’m happy that she found someone willing to treat her nicely… or so i thought.

the topic of her having a partner (me) finally came up in convo today since they started really talking a couple days ago. she has in her profile that she is looking for friends specifically because she really only hangs out with me. and that’s true. i encouraged her to at least try and find some friends because i can’t be the only one she spends time with. that’s a lot of pressure, you know?

anyway, after she informed him we were together, only because he said that on their second date he wants to “get dinner then come to [our] place and barely make it past the door already taking each others clothes off.” we have a rule that unless we have a mutual partner, it’s better to see our partners outside of our home since this is the home we built our way to having together, and i’d like to keep that just for us as it’s very sentimental to me. he told her that he knew she has a bf because it was in her bio…. however, he had no idea we were ENM/poly because her bio doesn’t state that and she failed to mention it sooner. he told her that he thought she just didn’t like me and was openly cheating. my red flags for him immediately shot up.

i told her that i’m not sure it’s a good idea to get involved with this guy, since he was willing to get with someone that he assumed was cheating on her bf. to me, that not only tells me that he would be willing to cheat on her or anyone else too, but that he has zero respect for me as the partner, so long as he gets what he wants from her. this truly gave me the icks bad and i told her that he’s likely going to be a cowboy after she showed me his profile where he claims that he’s “obsessive” and “traditional.” she said that he claims he’s understanding of the situation.

i got upset with her because as someone who loves her, i don’t want to see her getting in situations where i cannot help her out of. i also was upset because she didn’t bring me up until a few days later, or told him at the very least that she is currently poly. most cishet men we’ve encountered are NOT okay with this dynamic. especially not on our area! she told me she was gonna tell him about it in person, on their date. that seems a bit too late to mention it, and i was upset that she was willing to lead him on like that too? idk.

after she told him about us and he said all of what i mentioned, he proceeded to ask when the last time she kissed me was, if she actually likes me, and if i was clean. then proceeded to tell her that he won’t cancel their date but he only maybe will kiss her. i’m appalled because even after that conversation, i’m sure this guy has no idea that we are openly queer either, and something tells me that he’s gonna be possibly homophobic/transphobic with me when that topic comes up. this guy is giving me bad energy and i told my gf that if i were her, i wouldn’t go for him and if she does that’s her decision, but when it blows up in her face the only thing i can say is “i told you so.” basically told her i don’t approve but it’s not my decision, just don’t expect me to be happy about it if something bad comes from it. the guy seems sweet and i don’t want to keep her from getting all the nice treatment she deserves, but the way he reacted to her being open and in a poly relationship, apart from claiming to be obsessive and traditional makes me extremely uncomfortable for her. AITA for behaving a bit stand-offish and distant from her because she’s still choosing to see someone that already has a lot of Cowboy signs? and AITA for straight up being mad at her for not bringing our relationship up as soon as she started to talk to him on a more-than-friendly basis? i don’t think i am, but she definitely is upset with me for reacting the way i did, and thinks i’m being a bit of a dick about it. i have no idea what i can do with myself in this situation. what would you do?

thanks, reddit.