We have been dating for the past 2 years and are considering getting married in the coming months. I have been open from the get-go that polyamory was not something I was willing to go without in my lifetime, and because she identifies as monogamous, we have been looking at a mono-poly framework for the time being.

I have agreed to be monogamous over the past two years; she did briefly allow me to be on dating apps where I did make a connection with another woman, but my girlfriend requested that we be monogamous until we are able to live together in person early 2024. Thus I shifted my connection with this other person from romantic to friendly, which wasn't difficult since I had only met them once and they and I had not yet discussed relationship direction.

Given that I can only be friends with this third person, I have thus far only gone out for a meal with them (twice) in the past two months. I have a solo walking activity I am excited about this weekend, and asked this person if they would like to go with me before grabbing a meal, which they agreed to. I thought this would satisfy the rules my girlfriend and I have in which I see them less than 1X/week, only treat them as a friend, and avoid special activities with them that my girlfriend and I do together such as biking, going to the gym, or reading. My girlfriend did not, however, see it this way; she said I "stabbed her in the back" by not consulting with her before offering this new activity to the other person, and that she had only just become comfortable with me going out for a meal with someone else (in her eyes, a friend I am attracted to is completely different from a general friend). We then fought for the next couple hours, and the next day.

Other things my girlfriend has said during similar conflicts:

• She hates me, and she hates this other person
• I betray her; she sees me as the enemy; she does not trust me
• Poly people do not care about their partners
• I am intentionally hurting her; poly is intentionally hurting her
• She is the unluckiest woman in the world
• Other people who are supportive of me being poly wouldn't be supportive if their own partner was poly
• She tries not to think about the fact that I am poly
• Polyamory is not normal; she is ashamed to be in a relationship with poly involved

She has apologized and expressed regret over some of these statements.

I have been telling her I love her, asking her what I can do to help her feel safe and loved, reassuring her that I am sticking to our hierarchy and our rules, offering before-care and after-care, and I apologized for not consulting with her that I was thinking about this walking activity with the other person. None of it seems to work though. She described that she drowns in bitterness and anger and will hit herself; she becomes a completely different person.

I asked my girlfriend if she would let me love her and be poly, and she said no. I asked her if she can see me as a partner with my being poly, and she said no.

Now I know it can seem obvious to ask, "Why are we together?". We have some shared values - veganism, civic-mindedness, progressivism, feminism, urbanism. And in addition, she tells me that she intellectually wants to support me in poly, and she has given me hope by becoming more open to some poly discussions, becoming more open to swinging, and by reading the book "Polysecure" with me.

But it seems we fight at every turn. We spend far more time fighting about poly than I do on doing anything poly. We are currently in couple's therapy, but she has said that me and the therapist are on the same side attacking her.

So my questions are:

• Have you been with someone who matched this description, and were able to make polyamory (or a mono-poly) relationship work? What changed?
• Or am I consigning myself to fight tooth-and-nail for every inch of poly that I would like to act on and both of us to suffer together for the rest of our lives?

Thank you