The purpose of this post is to help the ENM / Poly men who want to date women up their game. It’s a response to all of the men posting that they can’t find a partner, and all of the women venting (legitimately) that so many of the men seeking women are wildly awful. Most men who date women seem to see the minimum that women set (the ‘don’t’ list from a vent) as sufficient to attract a partner.

And it’s not. To attract someone you need to have something that attracts them, not just “woot! I am not actually repellant!” You need to bring positives to the table. You need to be able to show that you could be a net positive in a partner’s life.

So here’s my attempt to help men who want to engage well with the women in their lives and possibly to date women, to start cultivating traits that women actually find attractive.

I’ll start. What I (SoPo bi- F) look for in a partner is: - Kindness - Truly, genuinely kind people make the absolute best partners. And they are a rarity. I have serious crushes on about half of the named characters in Ted Lasso. I’m looking at you, Ted, Roy, Danny, Higgins, Sam, Keely, Rebecca, Sassy Smurf, Rebecca’s mom… And it’s all because deep down, they are all genuinely kind. - Clever Conversation - Unlike Billy Joel, I enjoy banter. I like conversations with people when we can build off of each other. - Orgasms / GGG - I really like good sex. So a partner who cares about my pleasure and can read my reactions? Count me in! - Intellectual curiosity - I’m a dork who loves running down research rabbit warrens. When a partner also has curiosity about the world? When they enjoy my research babbling, and bring some of their own? Check! - Fun - I can be pretty dark and very serious, so partners who are more active in thinking about stuff that’s just enjoyable? About joy? I love having them around. - Aligned sense of humour - Make me laugh and laugh at my jokes? That works really well for me. - Active - I like partners who want to do active stuff with me like hiking, kayaking, wandering, even hitting the gym. It’s a great way to avoid the pounds that dating can pack on when it’s all centred around food. - Overlapping interests - To make things work, we typically have to have some stuff in common. - Unique passions - They have some interests that are their own that they care about enough to cultivate. - Vasectomy - It’s hot when men take responsibility for their reproductive health.

EDIT: I thought about differentiating between primary and non-primary partners, because I think stuff like “doesn’t live in squalor,” “parents’ approve” and “financial stability” all play out differently with primary vs. non-primary relationships, but… Whatever, run with that or not. Also added emphasis.