Had to break up with my longest partner (other than my nesting partner). This is the only woman I've ever loved other than my wife. She's dealing with alot of past abuse and trauma issues and I couldn't let her keep hurting me.

Several weeks ago, She told me she was falling for me (I realized I had fallen l in love with her weeks prior) she then freaked out and moved in with a guy she just met in another state. Like literally Wednesday night she told she was falling for me and Friday she was gone. She told me everyone she that she loved abused her and that she was afraid so she just ran. I gave her space. She told me she just needed to concentrate on herself for like two weeks, she promised she would come back. She promised she wouldn't hurt me. Two weeks turned into several weeks. Several weeks turned into I'm going to live here half of the time.

This past Tuesday, she said she was coming back to see me (actually "see us," since she started dating to my wife right before she ran). It was sudden and out of the blue. My wife and I cleared our entire schedule. Took off work, canceled plans with other partners, etc. The plan was she was going to stay with us for a week. This meant she would meet our kids. I told her it was a very big deal. She would be the first and only partner to meet my kids. I stressed that this meant she would need to start being more consistent. Her consistency lasted less than 8 hours.

She spent the night the first night, when I woke up she was just gone. She was gone most of the day, she came back for a bit and then left again. She canceled plans with us again because she said it was her brother's birthday and "she forgot" (I don't believe this and I think it was the real reason she came back to town). This really pissed off my wife because she canceled other plans with her own longest partner for mine. That same night, she texted me and said she's only staying for 4 days, not a week. Saturday morning, we made plans for breakfast. She didn't show up at our house until almost lunch, so we decided to take her to lunch instead. She left her car at our place and we drove. On the way there, I reiterated the need for consistency. Right before we went in for lunch, she said she would meet us inside and then suddenly walked away. About 5 minutes later she texted my wife and said "I'm sorry, I can't come inside. I'm going to Uber back to my car and go back to NC."

My wife was furious. Essentially, my wife cleared her schedule only to be stood up 3 days out of the 4. She was done.

I am/was more understanding and patient. I told my partner, that she needs a friend right now more than a boyfriend. It's important to mention here that my wife and I date separately and we don't push our partners to meet the other spouse, but do allow it if the partner so chooses. I make it VERY clear that it's separate and not conditional. I explicitly state that if it doesn't work with them it means nothing for us and nothing changes. I was not taking a step back because my wife broke up with her. I did it because what she needs is more important than what I want. What I want is to love her, what she needs is to resolve her past trauma and heal from it.

I truly want her to heal, personally, so we can concentrate on our own relationship and build it stronger. I'm even OK if she heals and finds meaningful love with someone else. Ultimately, I just want her to be happy. I truly believe everyone deserves to be loved and desired. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Unfortunately, my partner could not see it that way. She doesn't view my relationship separate from my wife's. She said she wants nothing to do with me because my wife broke up with her. As much as I want to be a supportive friend on her healing journey, I won't chase or push. I'll be whatever you need me to be, but you have to want it, too. I won't do it no matter how much it hurts.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm just trying to process my own pain and grief. Maybe I want people to know they're not alone when life gets shitty....who knows?