I’m currently dealing with some emotions that a younger me would have thought was a problem. I would have beat myself up, or thought that there was something wrong with me for feeling this way. I may have tried to deny my feelings, or suppress them.

My bed partner is in the army, and he’s married to another person in our polycule. Next month is the Army ball. I’m helping her dress shop, and I am truly happy helping her, it’s fun. But, I’m also a bit jealous. Obviously, taking me is not an option for him, but I’m still jealous. I’ve always wanted to go to the army ball. I was raised around the military, and my ex husband was Navy. I am much more familiar with all the military stuff than she is. I’d also love an excuse to get all dressed up and go out with him. These feelings suck, but I’ll work through them. I can be excited for her/them, while still having my own feelings.

Feelings are not ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ or ‘good’ or ‘bad’ they just ARE. Just like physical sensations, some are desirable, and some are uncomfortable, but they are just information. It’s how you react to and deal with those feelings that matters. Jealousy does not disappear when you become polyamorous, even if you’ve done all the work. Even if you are truly supportive of your partner’s other relationships. Being jealous doesn’t mean you aren’t supportive.

Edit to add: when feeling jealous, I remember a quote (I don’t remember where I got it from) “taking flowers off her table won’t put them on mine”. It reminds me that jealousy isn’t about not wanting them to have the thing, but about something you are wanting, so ask for what you want (or mourn not being able to have it).