My fiancé and I have been talking about polyamory and open relationships for a few years now (since about 2020). We’ve been together and monogamous (and very stable and strong) since 2013, so about 10 years. We are engaged, our wedding is coming up in May, we’ve bought a house, we are planning to start trying for kids next year…basically I have been very happy, even though we haven’t begun our polyamory journey just yet.

In 2020, I was the one to bring up the conversation. My my fiancé and I have always had an agreement that he’s okay with me having crushes on and flirting with other men (he is not a very jealous guy), and he’s never had an issue with me going out with friends until late hours. I guess I want to establish that he’s definitely given me more than enough space and trust. He’s more of a homebody intellectual rationalist type, so his thing is porn and crushing on people from afar, which I am all definitely okay with.

Anyway, in 2020, after about 8 years of being together, and thanks to being stuck at home during the pandemic, I came to realize that I very much want a future with him—he’s the only person I’ve ever felt this was about—but I also know that I do not want to be sexually exclusive with him for the rest of my life. (I’m quite inexperienced. I’ve only ever been in long term relationships, so he is only the second person I’ve ever had sex with…I know, I know). He understands this, and if he was with someone who was completely monogamous, he’d be happy, but he’s also open to trying poly since he knows that I am poly-curious, and that this is something I’ve been wanting to explore. We recently agreed to try it in the few months after we are married.

So basically, it’s been years in the making. I’ve been afraid to jump right into it, but I’ve also been operating on years of wanting very badly to be polyamorous/open. I want to do it right, and at the right time (i.e. perfectionism). There are a few male friends of mine over the years who my fiancé knows I’ve been considering as good people for me to hook up with.

One of those friends, let’s call him “Jesse,” has been someone I’ve been flirting with for years. I’ve told him that my fiancé is okay with me flirting and cuddling, but that there should be no kissing or fondling or boob-touching, etc. Jesse self-admittedly is a bit of a dog (he’s had issues with cheating in the past). He currently has a new-ish girlfriend, and so I walked back a lot of our flirting, even though he often initiates flirtatious touching and banter anyway. The other night I got very drunk when out with him and some friends (I do not have a drinking problem, this is maybe the third time in my life I ever got this drunk) and asked him if he would be single this summer for when my fiancé and I try being open. He usually drives me home when we go out, so at the point that I asked him, we were alone in his car, and again, I know it’s not an excuse but I was very drunk. The next thing I know, he is kissing me (I genuinely don’t remember what led to that, but I know for a fact I did not initiate it, because I don’t do that…I’m kind of a sub), and within the 15 or so seconds that I didn’t pull away right away, my shirt was lifted up (I also do not know for a fact if it was me or him who lifted it up—I remember thinking to myself, “oh, that’s definitely what would come next” but I don’t remember fully if I did it, and am terrified to think that I did). This led to him immediately putting his mouth there, and at that point I came to, and I stopped it. I slowly inched my way out of the whole situation. I talked things over with him saying that should not have happened, tried to rectify it and make it okay for myself, I started crying, etc. Came home, cried myself to sleep, and the next day told my fiancé everything.

I’m probably a naive person, but I’ve had SO many flirtatious interactions and environments alone with men while staying in the parameters of the agreements of my relationship, and rarely have these interactions led to them trying to kiss me or go further. Even with “Jesse,” it’s been years of him respecting the no kissing, no fondling boundary. I know that alcohol played a huge role here and my fiancé is more disappointed at how drunk I clearly must have been than the nuances of exactly what happened (although at first he was definitely upset about the details), but I still feel very guilty that I didn’t stop it immediately, that it took 15-30 seconds for my rational mind to take back over. I’ve been flirting intensely with people for many many years and this has never happened.

Anyway, I guess I want to know what people’s thoughts are from an ethical non-monogamy/polyamory perspective. It was definitely a huge mistake, one I will never make again, but I also feel like this is different too because I have been intensely interested in polyamory to begin with, my fiancé is aware of this and interested too, and well, that trial was supposed to be this summer. Now I don’t know if we will be able to because I have to earn my fiancé’s trust back (and frankly, a part of me would be relieved if we put it off given how awful I feel right now, but I also don’t necessarily WANT to fully put it off either because I know eventually I’ll want to try it).

Anyway, would love some support, would love some thoughts from people who have been at a crossroads like this. I also am hoping that this all was just a human mistake, and that I’m not some horribly unethical person. I have been trying so hard for so long to go about this in a careful, conscious way. Maybe I’ve waited too long…