Trigger warning: sharing of deep feelings that comes with the territory, homo&transphobia from Ndad

After a year of no contact, and my dad asking me to go out to dinner for my birthday, I have written him this letter that I want to send but haven't yet. Honestly, I am terrified. In this year I've spoken to him once about wanting to talk at my therapists office and he said no thats ridiculous. Please give me your insights about this, my wording, and whether or not you think it's a good idea.

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Hi Dad, I wanted to write you this letter to share some things that I have kept to myself for a long time. I'd like to get back to a point where we can interact normally, but I can't go out to dinner with you guys right now and pretend nothing's up. First of all, some things have changed that you don't know about yet, but I've been out of the closet with my friends for a while.That means the following for me:My name is no longer M, I'm not straight, and I'm not a woman. My name is D, I like who I like regardless of gender, and I'm genderqueer (you can google it if you don't know what that means). I want to ask if you want to try using my new name. I've known these things about myself since about age 11. The name change is recent, but I also knew very young that the name M did not suit me.

I understand you have to get used to this. It was a strugglefor me too, but I feel a lot more comfortable now than before, always hiding myself and lying about it. I really want to restore contact, but I do have the preconditions that I am accepted for who I am. I have a feeling that that is going to be difficult and that you may not be able to accept that, and that idea makes me very sad. But I wanted to at least share it. I have also found it difficult for a long time to accept myself. If you have questions about what specific things mean, feel free to ask me, and I'll explain what I mean, and why I feel that way.

I will not handle anger and disgust in this case because it's about who I am as a person. If that angers anyone, whoever that is, I have no room for that and if it does I would ask that you do not respond as it is not my responsibility to regulate anyone else's anger about my identity. I can understand if you need to let this sink in for a while before responding.

Then I want to explain why I find it very difficult to share things about myself, not only the above, but also how I feel, where my interests lie, my opinion on all kinds of different things, what I like. Actually why I find it difficult to have contact at all.The way our family treated each other in the past, and now, has not been normal and has had a lot of impact on me. It has given me a constant sense of fear, insecurity, and not being good enough. The feeling that I should be ashamed of myself if I don't do what you think is normal, that where my interests lie, my standards, my values, everything I stand for is nonsense, it's not right, it shouldn't exist. It's also been said often enough, things like ''what nonsense''''you're being dramatic'''just be normal'''that doesn't make sense'' when I shared something about myself. Indirectly, this also makes me feel that I am nonsense, and it is better not to exist. For example, many more intense things have happened, which I will not bring up now, but which I am often confronted with mentally.

I don't say this to point a finger, but to explain how I feel, not only in contact with you but this also echoes through the rest of my life in many situations. Therapy has made it a lot better, and I finally dare to apply for jobs again and make friends. I know you're not a fan of therapy, but it really helps me and I'd love it if you could just believe me about this.

All I want is understanding, and that each other's feelings are handled with care. That I am believed, taken seriously and accepted. That we can just ask each other questions and have a normal conversation about things we don't understand about each other, instead of immediately getting angry and disapproving of the other. That I no longer feel that my own parents are disappointed in the end result of who I am. That you can take an interest and be excited for me about what I'm doing with my life without prejudice, whether you agree or not. That you trust that I myself know what is good for me, and if you do want to give advice, it is - advice, not a command.That I don't have to beg my parents to please love me for who I am, and not just if I'm "doing right" in your eyes. If that's all possible daddy, then I'd like to talk sometime.The reason I wanted to do the talking with my therapist present, is because I'm afraid you'll get angry at my house, and I've made a deal with myself that there will be no yelling in my house, never by anyone. I won't be able to come to your house for the time being, since I don't feel comfortable there.There is a lot of pressure, tension and fear for me to restore contact and I hope you can respect my wish to do it my way, because I can't do it your way anymore, and I don't want to.If this is too much to ask even after letting it sink in, I see no added value in allowing someone into my life who cannot tolerate me. If you do want to respond under these terms, would you please text me instead of calling, as I'm not sure what to expect.

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Your kid