Exposure doesn’t work (for me)

Scrolling through this sub I‘m frequently amazed at the success stories some of you have. As much as I’m happy for everybody who makes steps out of the cage that this disorder is, it also frustrates me. Because usually people mention exposure therapy as their key to success. And – whether it’s flooding or graded exposure – it sounds like a perfectly logical concept. Only thing is: for me it isn’t doing much.

I‘m 25 now and in this for around 10 years. Done lots of meds and even more psychotherapy. I had two remissions of (in summary) 3 years. During this time I could do almost everything, as long as I wasn’t away from home more than 20 miles. I kept going. One day even a three hour train ride to a city 150 miles away was possible. But although I did my daily training, I relapsed. Something that shouldn’t be happening according to the idea of desensitization and exposure. I’ve been largely housebound for 3 years now. When I do graded exposure it usually works well for some days. I get a little further everyday. But out of nothing it goes the opposite direction. It not only stagnates.

Same with flooding. I get myself into a situation where I panic to the point of thinking I’m about to die. I sit it out. Next hours I’m optimistic and proud of myself. But the next day all that remains is the feeling of terror I experienced during the panic attack. It’s more of a traumatising thing that lets anxiety grow. My body (after probably hundreds of attacks) doesn’t seem to learn that what I‘ve experienced was a panic attack. My body is like: We‘ve barely survived and we‘ll never do that again!

Can anybody relate?