this is just a vent.

in middle school the only thing i was afraid of was getting hurt, and i thought that was the worst thing i could fear. i wouldn’t jump off of the monkey bars or climb on roofs or attempt a backflip, i felt like a loser. but man do i feel like more of a loser now (21f) i had one traumatic experience that brought out my fear of death but i thought i could ignore it i started college in 2021, january 6th of 2022 i had my first panic attack after a somewhat minor incident that my brain took has major, and i’ve never been the same. i had general anxiety from my childhood already, coming from a home with addiction and poverty so i was constantly nervous about who or what would be in my house next but it didn’t cripple me, i would just ignore everything i saw. after that first panic attack in 2022, i can’t ignore anything. i developed panic disorder because after that incident i felt safe no where. my own apartment didn’t even feel safe. i had panic attacks previously that i just thought we’re random moments of fear but my therapist diagnosed me to help understand what’s going on. i stayed at my then boyfriends apartment probably 20 hours a day, only leaving to eat. i would skip classes because i was scared about having a panic attack outside, i quit my job due to fear of panic attacks there, i developed agoraphobia and it took me 5 months to improve from it. even now i don’t leave me house unless it’s a small building , i refuse to go into large grocery stores. i am afraid of everything now, too scared to use my stove because of fear of a fire starting randomly, too scared to drive on my own, too scared to watch a scary movie in case i get nightmares, too scared to get a vaccine because what if it kills me? but so scared to get sick because what if that kills me? too scared to sleep alone because what if i die and need help? too scared to start new meds but i can’t function without them. and even then, the meds don’t work the way i wish they would. i’m scared of everything. fear runs my life and i hate it. i know i’m not alone but i feel alone i’ve gotten better, but i miss who i used to be. i miss my only fear being getting hurt so i wouldn’t attempt to do a flip on the trampoline.