Specifically weight loss.

I know I've posted about fear of weight gain, and I'm proud to say I've reached a more neutral space. My weight has stayed mostly stable for the last few months. I see a nutritionist, she's not specifically IE, but she does not push weight loss and maintains a neutral and healthy approach to food and movement. I don't deprive myself any food, I am not fearful or obsessive with food, I'm listening better to my hunger and fullness ques. I go to the gym and move my body with the purpose of overall fitness and health and longevity and I actually kind of enjoy it.

Something that came up in our last session that I'd appreciate some insight and feedback on is related to weight loss.

Every so often I weigh myself out of curiosity and to practice remaining neutral to what's on the scale. This one time, after the number had stayed steady for awhile, the number dropped. I practiced neutrality towards it in the moment. In the following weeks a few things happened: life lifed and I skipped the gym for 2 weeks, I started eating more candy and sweets than usual, and I began anticipating my monthly cycle. I also noted mentally a few thoughts/feelings around the idea of weight loss as being something I should avoid? That's not quite right, but the idea of being in a smaller body brings up feelings of being only good for s*x with men (this is a feeling I used to have for like 2 decades in both a thin and thick body). There's also this fear of being too skinny, it really sleeves me out to think about being under weight.

The next time I weighed myself I noticed the number had gone back up. And part of me feels like I subconsciously sabotaged the weightloss my body was naturally doing as a result of the way I was eating and moving and caring for my body.

I also still WANT to lose weight on a conscious level. I have no desire to force it or to diet, but I am not comfortable in my body as it is, and I mean that in that the way I move and feel physically (not about how I look) I don't feel great at this size. It's more like I don't feel like my body really wants to be this weight, and I'm judging myself for wanting to lose weight because is it diet culture or is it me intuitively listening to my body telling me it doesn't want to stay this size.

Are these a normal part of the process? Is sabotaging the process a normal thing? Can you want to lose weight because you feel your body isn't 100% happy with its current weight? Has anyone else experienced thos side of this process?

I don't love the idea of weight gain, and I've stayed mostly neutral towards it, but I also don't feel like my body is going to gain much more (if any) as I'm no longer depriving it and I'm following hunger/fullness ques and cravings.