Hi everyone, I’m looking for honest and constructive advice on how to proceed with what’s happening. Copied my post from r/relationships and r/mentalhealth bc no response.

I currently live with my mom (63) and sister (30) Jane in an apartment. I have 5 siblings in total and there’s a lot of toxic ness between all of us, especially as the youngest sibling who escaped living in our home country, poverty and abuse. In general I’ve been so much more fortunate than my siblings, which is why they resent me. My parents have been divorced since I was 4. This post isn’t about my family feud. It’s about how to move forward with everyone’s best interests, particularly my mom, Jane, Maria (37), and I.

I haven’t spoken to Maria since I was 16. The last time we ever spoke was when she had a meltdown and grabbed me by the hair in the kitchen, lambasting me while threatening to get my bf at them time arrested (he was 4 years older than me). “You think you’re so smart, and innocent, that’s what you to pretend to be....I’m going to expose your lies.” I vividly remember her trying to drag me by the arm into our room. My mom woke up from her nap to hear yelling in the kitchen. She immediately got in between us and separated us. Maria spilled my beans that I was dating a college student. Horrified and confused, I ran out the apartment and didn’t come back for an hour. I came back and felt tension. My mom was shocked by Maria’s behavior and wanted me to tell her the truth— which she was receptive to. Maria lived with us for a solid 5 months without saying a word. She worked nights at bar and was essentially a bat for the duration. She would simply walk past us like a ghost. Prior to the fight, Maria and I shared a bedroom. After the fight, i had to take my stuff out when she wasn’t home. So she simply left one day without a word, leaving behind a lot of shit. She moved in with boyfriend who had just inherited an apartment from a deceased aunt.

The process of cleaning the room was reveling. She hoarded a lot of strange crap, like seven gallon ziplock bags of used and dried up makeup, food wrappers, papers, just lots of garbage. Digging through the desk, I found several bottles of empty prescription painkillers with other people’s names. I knew she smoked pot, vaped, and drank but I didn’t know she did more. It really helped me understand why she had crazy mood swings, was dissociative, and unpredictable.

Maria had a rough childhood. Imagine growing up in a country where you were devalued not only as a female and being fostered by abusive relatives using you to extract money from your parents sending money back ‘home’. She disclosed to my brother that she was also molested or raped by a relative. Furthermore when you came to America as an adult you were unloved by your father.

As a kid, Maria treated me well and I felt her love. She would sometimes pick me up from 1st grade. She started to disappear when I was in 3rd grade and didn’t re-emerge in my life until I was a hs freshman. She treated me very differently, she was unpredictable. Sometimes she would joke around and other times yell and berate me. She was very divisive, spreading rumors about me to my brothers. They would criticize me in every way from makeup, dressing up, and even dismissing my extra curricular activities being involved with student government and debate as a hoax. I first got drunk late sophomore year, off of a bottle of vodka that she bought me. I found out later she snitched on me to my family. Anyway I’m very traumatized by Maria.

When she left, I entered an experimental phase with drugs. It helped me understand some her strange behavior that I was ignorant of before. I was depressed throughout high school and used drugs an escape from my traumas. Today I’m in a very good place mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I’ve recovered and been sober for 2 years. I’m close to graduating college. I have grown to love myself and others. I’m excited about the the future.

This summer, I found out through relatives that Maria’s boyfriend broke up with her and now shes homeless, she’s being sued for $7,000 and her husband that she’s been separated from since 2012 filled for divorce. Shes called my brothers to confide in them that she’s suicidal. She has kept in touch with people in the family except for me and my mom. She texts Jane occasionally and pours out her love for her in text but flakes whenever they make a plans to hang out. Jane is mentally handicapped and vulnerable. Jane is also afraid of Maria bc she is aware of her unstable behavior.

Today i woke up at 1am to hear knocking and ringing at our door. “Jane let me in” she continues this for 10 minutes. I go to janes room and we hide in the bathroom calling our mom at work. My mom picks up and calls Maria to leave and come back the next day when she’s home. Maria claims she’s there to pick up the mail and is angry that we won’t open the door.

My dilemma is what is going to happen now? Now she’s showing up to get her mail, but what if next week she is trying to live with us? Is she safe to be around? Although i feel bad for her, I don’t trust her. Last week my mom expressed that if Maria was willing to change, then she would help out and let her live with us. I told my mom there’s no way I’d allow that. Maria is chaos, I can’t imagine her being physically near me. Home is a safe place and Maria would disrupt that security. Maria is also a compulsive liar, I suspect she has a personality disorder.

I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to react. I’m just trying to protect my mom, Jane and I. We worked so hard to heal from the trauma. I sound selfish, but It’s out of preservation. I’m scared of having to deal with chaos again. I don’t think family counseling is viable. I want to know what are some ways to gradually approach the matter.

TLDR; Estranged sister pulled up to my apartment at 1am. Didn’t open the door, told her to come back during the day when my mom is present. Genuinely afraid of her, what she she’s capable of and the chaos that will ensue if we let her back into our lives. At the same time, concerned for her life.

Update: 3:08pm she’s ringing on the doorbell again. Honestly I’m not gonna call the cops on her and I’m not opening the door.

Maria texted my mom she is gonna take legal action for mail fraud and invasion. My mom told her around 1:40am via Facebook messenger that she can come during the day to pick it up.

10am I left Maria’s mail downstairs with the doorman. Told the doorman to put in the system Maria cannot come upstairs with our consent.