since i was kid i’d stare off into space and everything around me would go black like tunnel vision whenever something bad would happen

when i got older people always asked me if i was high bc i was just disconnected didnt gaf about relationships, dead eyes, just truly was goneee up there

ive always been described as being in my own world, because ill daze off and escape reality. never really in the present

i stare into the mirror everyday just trying to find a connection to my face every chance i get

completely shut down when on the verge of crying or getting angry in front of others

have the 1000 yard stare and have been described as really antisocial but nice

cant remember anyones face, (mom, dad, brother, boyfriend) have always had constant dream reality confusion.

and my memories no matter how vivid have never seemed personal to me. in therapy i’d be like oh yeah yk i was graped from 4-19 basically and i would feel no connection to it at all. i will have breaks of overwhelming sadness where everything feels so real. then have mania where i dont care if its real then right back to just emptiness which i know as dissociation.

my bad trip made me aware of this and now im scared to go work do anything i wish i never realized what this was. i heard drug induced is easier fixed. for emotional life long dissociation can anything really be done? benzos help a bit but never come back into reality fully unless im in a depressive episode and immediately snap back into numbess once the crying stops