Hey guys,

It’s been really hard since my dad died, time has been so weird I don’t know what’s really happening. I think it was a week ago? I hope he’s in a good place now, it’s bound to be a lot better than where he’s been. I’ve been mourning his death, and I know that everyone says it’s an emotional rollercoaster but it’s been really hard. How do you mourn a man who didn’t care about you? I don’t know if im just frustrated that he died or that my entire family treats me so poorly. I feel like I’m the background character in my own family. I wasn’t mentioned in his funeral.

That’s more so dealing with grief which is a different subreddit, but I mean it kinda seems like everyone’s kinda got their own issues going on here so I doubt it’s that serious if I do this here. I mean I do have really bad DPDR, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. I hate that my symptoms always happens around this man, like, I get it but why can’t people just love me? People say I’m complicated, which I don’t think I am, I just need to feel like you care which seems like it’s too hard for my family to fathom. I get overstimulated in my uni classes, the lights are so bright and I get really bad panic attacks so I’m thinking about asking my professor for accommodations. I’m always so worried that I’m gonna pee myself, I’m always fidgeting in my seat all the time I’m worried someone’s gonna think something weird of me. I don’t think it matters anyways, my professors know my dad died so I guess they’d somewhat understand that I’m dealing with this in a bit of a unique way I suppose.

It’s been so hard trying to clean my house, like I totally just shut down. I think I’ve been doing well as far as coping, but my biggest coping skill is sitting in the bath and I don’t want to even think about my water bill because I sit in here till the water is luke warm about twice. It doesn’t help that my brothers way of coping is lashing out because he’s really hurt my feelings the day dad passed away. I feel like it’s become so hard to love people.

I also had a friend confess that she had a crush on me so now we’re dating, and I can’t quite process how I feel about it because it’s just been so overwhelming.

That’s my rant, I’m sure my life coach is excited to hear all about my grieving process. Sometimes I feel like I’m grieving myself more than the death of my dad. He kicked me out at 16 and I’ve tried to rekindle the relationship before he developed cancer. He’s just a good bad man…. I’m 21 now btw.