Shame is sexual. It’s a dripping feeling in my hole, created by the early experiences of feeling shame as I was trained and first sexualized.
It’s like there is a crave inside me so strong that I can’t debate it. I can’t deny the pull I feel to constantly be at arousal: pervy, kinky, edging, gooning, call it as you will I have a dark need to over stimulate sexually.
On the outside I seem like I have a healthy sexual appetite: I am in an open relationship with a woman, we are very kinky and I’m the dominant one. We fucked for an hour this morning, passionate and romantic. But I’m already rubbing again.
But there in an undercurrent to me. A result of unspoken horrors that have left me forever scarred, my body and soul trained to react sexually and submit to abuse. And a call to be controlled, to need a guide telling me when and how to stimulate myself.
Strong people who hurt me and trigger me make me submissive and wet in a way I cannot describe. And this need to hurt myself in a sexual way has already led me down many painful experiences, I’ve been forced more then once, I’ve put myself in situations where i knew my boundaries would be crossed and allowed strangers with bad intentions make my body react to fantasies I didn’t want to experience. I’ve been beaten, made to open myself to ugly and old, I’ve passed out and taken all bodily fluids I was given.
Im addicted and relapse with incredible self hate and shame as I fall deeper and deeper, spending more and more hours in the day masturbating with strangers online and letting them carry me into the dark desires.
And now it’s happening to me again… will you help?
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