Hello everyone, today on a post in which the OP asked if a behavior described therein was abusive and a "red flag," someone commented the following.

"Are you fucking stupid? You’re not smart enough to figure that out on your own? You just came on the internet to ask this shit? WTF is going on with people to lack this much common sense. Good lord, I’ve lost faith in humanity"

I don't like the fact that I have to make this clear, but as our rules state, this kind of commentary is not welcome here, ever. I'm sure most of us could agree that such commentary is verbally abusive. No one comes to an abuse support sub expecting or hoping to be abused further. Many people come to this sub having already been repeatedly told by their abusive partner, family friend, friend etc that they're "fucking stupid" or any manner of derogatory names and cruel language.

After moderating this sub for two years, I've noticed a pattern. The majority of comments that receive reports in this sub are often some (albeit milder) version of the pasted comment above. Usually they read along the lines of, "You really have to ask if this is abuse?" And although most of the time they aren't accompanied by mocking or namecalling, they still send a message to the poster that asking a question is somehow inherently wrong, that they are unintelligent, and that they should know better.

This is an abuse support sub. Many of us came to this sub because we've had our own abuse experiences. Many of us have asked the question "Is this abusive?" many times in our lives. It is normal to ask that question. When we are repeatedly exposed to abnormal behavior, coercively controlled, violated, gaslighted, and told we are the abusive ones, or the abusive person deflects, minimizes, or denies their behavior, why wouldn't we question our perceptions?

Abuse isn't normal. Not knowing how to recognize or respond to it, is.

So yes - posters really do have to ask what's abusive and what isn't.

Someone could post about the most violent, aggressive, horrendous behavior any of us could think of, and they would still have a right to ask if it were normal. Those of us who can clearly identify abuse when it's presented to us may be lucky - perhaps we've never experienced abuse ourselves and we grew up knowing how to see it - or perhaps our knowledge stems from being abused and therefore now knowing how to spot it. But that's us. That's other people. That isn't the poster, at least not at the point in which in which they post in our sub.

People come to this sub to question if something is wrong. We give them nothing beneficial in return if we spend all our time typing "I can't believe you even are asking" instead of "Yes, that is wrong. You don't deserve this, this isn't your fault, and I believe you."

I understand, too, that being exposed to so many posts in this sub about painful content can wear on readers. I understand it can sometimes lead to compassion fatigue and burnout. These things are real. But at the end of the day, if we are recognizing that we are experiencing compassion fatigue, it's on us to step back and get ourselves help before we harm posters seeking genuine support.

This isn't just a "me" concern, either. I've received a lot of messages and seen a lot of comments in the past few weeks about the comments people have been receiving here. Posters notice what we say and many of them take it to heart. At the end of the day, the vast majority of people in this sub just want to be treated with respect and compassion. I hope we can all work together to ensure that happens.

Thank you for listening, and reading. I appreciate all the kindness most of you do contribute to people in need.