I feel like I can’t get away even after all this time and distance, it seems like I’ll never get over it and it’s eating me up. I just want clarity but I know I’ll never get it, honestly I don’t think I even want closure, I just want to know why she did the things she did to me and wasn’t ever bothered or fazed by any of it. How could she be okay with the things she did and not lose sleep over it, when i can’t bare to get in bed out of fear or reliving any of it. It’s been over a year and I still can’t fall asleep most nights, I sit and drink to the point of blacking out just so I can sleep enough to be functional at work and it’s fucking me up. I don’t understand how so many abusers just live on like nothing happened or like they’re the victim, while the people they abused are left to pick up the pieces and struggle to even function. I see it so often with victims of abuse, and I see it here in this community, it’s never the abuser that’s effected.