I know I’ll never get the chance to say these things or have them read it but it feels better to get it out of my head.

   Dear M.E.W,

I know I’ll never get the satisfaction of knowing why you did the things you did, why you put me through the things you did, said the things you said, or why you found any form of justification in it. I live my life these days, almost a year later, in every way you said I couldn’t, In every way I missed out on. I started and finished e.m.t school, top of my class, I’m doing something I’ve always wanted to do which you told me was pointless, stupid, even unfulfilling, which was helping other people. You had always been selfish in that way. You didn’t care about what other people were struggling with, you said why should you bother, they’re not you. I knew the day you said that to me, almost 3 years ago that maybe you didn’t really care what you made me feel. But I thought with just one shred of hope that maybe you would.

I put my life, my goals, my dreams, and my aspirations aside to make you my top priority. I stopped being the man I was so I could be fully devoted to giving you everything I had to offer. You took my time, my money, my spirit, and above all things, my drive to be a good human being. You showed me that it didn’t matter who I wanted to be or what I wanted out of life, you showed me that I had to be subservient to you with no other focuses. It didn’t matter what job it was, what “gifts” my money could buy, how big of a home to live in, or how new the car was, it didn’t matter to you in the end because it was never enough. 14 hour work days wasn’t enough time away from me for “your own space” it needed to be more, it didn’t matter how long I’d known someone the communication needed to be none, and it didn’t matter how menial the mistake was, you needed to make me feel worthless.

Never again will I void myself of purpose to please someone else. Never again will I let someone put hands on me under any circumstance, Never again will I bite my tongue to keep myself safe. The scar on my head from that kitchen plate seems bigger on the days people notice it, and it makes me feel smaller knowing you did it over something as insignificant as walking past the dishes after a long day of work when i “sat down immediately”. The sunshine here in my new home really shows the damage you did to my body, and mind. Hearing the creek flow behind my house turned from a somber place to look upon my unrecognizable reflection, to now being my new favorite spot to fish or paint. The rainy days come and go and I sit with my coffee without the stress of having a meal ready for you before you crawled out of bed by noon. I had the courage to pick up a paintbrush again, even after all this time, because I remember you destroying my work and easel for not paying attention to you. Just another thing I never thought I could have the heart to do again after you took away my passions.

I spent the past week camping in the woods, something you made me give up because you though it was stupid. I sat by the fire I made with my dog Charlie playing my guitar and looked out to the stars, they seemed so much more vibrant and pronounced, even more so than with the telescope you had to have. I listen to birds sing in the mornings, instead of fearing the sound of you toss and turn to get up out of our bed. I sit shirtless when it’s warm or when I’m by the water, showing off my tattoos you hated, and proudly brandishing the six inch scar you left on my waist from that kitchen knife that you always begged me to hide. Sometimes I look down on my forearm where your name used to be, now it’s covered by a frog, your second most hated thing next to me. Under all that green ink, I’m scared it’s going to peek through, and I always check to make sure it doesn’t.

I’ll never be able to get back the years I lost, I’ll never get back the opportunities I missed, and I’ll never get the closure I deserve from you. But that’s okay, I don’t want those things anymore, I want to be my own man. A wise woman told to me once that the best revenge against you was to be happy, and to live my life in a way that would be meaningful. These days you don’t hold any more influence over me, I’ve moved on, and moved towards my bigger goals aside from the fact you told me I never could. My scars remain but I prevail, I don’t forgive you, but I will forget you. I genuinely hope that one day you help yourself, god knows I tried and it was never enough.

One day I’d like to think you’ll look back on the things you did and realize how bad you really were to me, and aside from it I never gave up on giving you all I had to offer. Everyone gave up on you because of the things you did to them, yet I stayed because you made me feel like I had no other option but to do so. For your own sake I hope you can get help and fix yourself, but you were never one to welcome change or criticism. I just wanted to be loved even half as much as I loved you. I hope you can find it within yourself to get help for your problems, because now that I’m gone, and nobody stuck around after the things you pulled on them, there’s no one else to blame your shortcomings on. You can’t always be the victim, not when you’re the cause of your own downfall.

The time has passed and I’ve moved on , I’m now everything I wanted to be and then some and I did it without you. I’m growing, learning, and loving more every day and refuse to be broken down to a shell of a man once more. I won’t be anyone’s victim ever again, I just hope no one else finds themselves being yours.

L.M.M