Dear community,

As individuals who want the best for one another in this sub and who want nothing more than to support other victim/survivors, sometimes we may inadvertently suggest something that is harmful rather than helpful. I'm referring to couples counseling in cases of abusive relationships.

Suggesting couples counseling for abuse is not something that is typically done out of malice, but rather out of a good faith belief that couples counseling can help with abuse.

Because this suggestion is offered so frequently in this sub and others, I want to discuss the reasons why couples counseling can actually cause more harm than good.

Couples counseling (or whatever you would like to call it - marriage therapy, marital therapy, couples therapy, etc) is built on the foundation of there being an issue in a relationship that both parties are contributing to, and hence this issue is one both parties need to work on.

However, in cases of abuse, the abusive behavior is enacted by the abusive partner. The victim/survivor does not provoke or bring that abuse upon themselves, and it is not their responsibility to "act better" or "be a better partner" or "communicate better" in order to stop the abuse. It is the abusive partner's responsibility to change their behavior.

In addition, sometimes people assume that couples counseling is a safe, neutral location in which to disclose abuse. A therapist's office certainly seems to be a safe space, right? Not so for abuse. Oftentimes, what ends up happening is that the abusive partner either threatens the victim/survivor into silence and does not allow them to reveal the abuse to the therapist, and/or if the victim/survivor discloses abuse in the session with their partner present, the abusive partner will retaliate against them later at home.

In this sense, couples counseling for abuse can actually be a legitimate safety risk - both an emotional safety risk, and a physical safety risk.

Furthermore, many couples counselors actually are not trained in the dynamics of abusive relationships, and as such may not be able to identify abuse when it is occurring, and/or may press forward with sessions even after discovering the abuse, without realizing it can be a safety risk. Domestic violence and/or safety assessments are often not implemented, and if they are, the risk for dishonest information is great given that the victim may not feel as safe disclosing in front of their partner. An assessment should not be done with both partners together in the first place. On the flip side, victim/survivors may also believe that couples counseling is a safe place for them and believe that the counselor will keep them safe, when this is not a guarantee and often backfires.

Some domestic violence programs do provide behavioral change programs for abusive partners. These, often called BIPs or Batterer Intervention Programs (a term that is quite outdated), are different from anger management and are often built around addressing the root of domestic violence, including oppression and the desire to maintain power and control over someone else.

Many BIPs have varying success rates, and there is much controversy about how effective they are. This post isn't intended to discuss BIPs or their pros or cons, but rather to share that for individuals who want their partners to seek help, there are potentially safer options than couples counseling.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers a condensed version of domestic violence experts' reasoning for avoiding the use of couples counseling for abusive relationships if you are interested in reading further.

Finally, ultimately it is always a victim/survivor's choice what steps can be taken. If someone wants to attend couples counseling with their abusive partner, that's not a choice we can force them not to make. However, we can warn them of the potential dangers in a way that doesn't involve coercing, manipulating, or degrading them.

I do want to acknowledge that perhaps for some individuals, couples counseling may not have harmed them or placed them at risk, and perhaps the couples counselor was trained in abuse and was able to help the victim/survivor. Every situation is different. However, given the common safety concerns associated with entering counseling with an abusive partner, it's best to offer alternative options to victim/survivors, such as working with a domestic violence advocate, attending individual counseling, and/or safety planning.

Thank you everyone for all you do here to support one another!

-Ebbie45