I have been in a relationship for nearly 8 years this May... In the beginning, I cheated on him (I was 14 and wanted attention from whoever, whenever), which was very wrong of me. I then spent the next 5 years making everything up to him... Sending him photos of where I was, who I was sitting next to, what I was wearing, staying home and going nowhere social for him, abandoning some of my friends... All because he wanted to make sure I was really his now... only his. During this time, he would spend the night at his best friend's (girl) house for days/a week at a time. Most of the time, one or two of his exes would be there, spending the night as well (they were all friends). This was very wrong, as he was 16 or so at the time; however, I know from multiple sources that nothing happened between them. He would also tell me not to do something or he would break up with me... Come to think of it, if I did anything period he didn't like, he would threaten to leave. About 3 years into submitting to his wishes, I put my foot down. I told him I was sorry and I have done my fair share of proving my faithfulness to him. Then, the name-calling truly began and took a turn for the worst. The arguing also began between both of us, my side being the worst. That continued for about 2.5 years, but then things started to get better.

In February 2019, he pushed me. We were in an argument about politics, one I started because he doesn't understand why it's important to vote. It got bad, but I don't exactly remember what happened. When we got back to his house (all of the arguing was done in the car), he went into the house and told me he was breaking up with me. This caused me to freak out and follow him into the house. He then turned around and pushed my shoulders backwards with both hands, causing me to fall over a statue outside and accumulate a few bruises... I then got in my car and immediately left. I have been a victim of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse growing up by my dad and this was it for me. Every time I get close to him, this incident comes up in my mind... As does everything he has ever done.

Fast forward to the last 6 months or so, he has significantly changed. He has been aware of what he does wrong and not just saying it to satisfy me. He has been attempting to make amends on his own, without my pleading anymore. He no longer threatens to leave, controls anything that I do, and encourages me to do anything that I want in life. I no longer feel like I can't be myself. With all of this positivity comes much of the pain that replays in my head. I have always tried to trust him, but I'm not sure how much trust is actually present when it comes to my love for him. I am scared constantly of him reverting back into who he was. We are not "friends" in this relationship, it is merely one-sided because I refuse to get too close and when I do, he isn't used to it and doesn't act as a friend would. I argue with him all the time because he still messes up from time to time, but it's acceptable things now, like accidentally hurting my feelings, not giving me attention when I feel it's obvious that I need it, etc. I am very mean to him now. I can't trust him at all and I want to so bad, but the love I have for him as of now is a lingering, "I have sort of grown up with you since I was 14 and am now 22" feeling. If I want this to work, I know I have to let go emotionally and it hurts me so bad that I'm so resilient against his changed nature... I just don't know what I can really do.