It feels wrong posting here because I know some people have horrible relationship abuse would pail in comparison. But I think everything exists on a spectrum.

Idk I’m separating from my wife (her initial idea) she’s moving out very soon and we are at an indefinite hault to our relationship. Divorce proceedings to come.

We’ve broken up before in our dating phase. But my feelings towards this are… positive. I feel hopeful again for the first time in a long time. Which to me feels f’d up because I know I should be extremely sad. Not that I don’t go through periods of sadness. But my body is extremely confused and somewhat relieved?

For the most part we are amicable and on mutual terms.

I guess hindsight is 20/20 because I have been autopsy-ing our relationship over and over again in my mind and have come to some grim conclusions.

I guess what I am looking for is validation? Idek. Idek what putting a label on this will do to help me? Allow me to give myself grace? Move forward?

I certainly wish my partner the best and don’t want them to face any repercussions. They have their own struggles with previously untreated mental illness and past trauma.

My last long term relationship was 100% abusive and I was also cheated on so I guess without the cheating it wasn’t as easy to let go.

I just wanted to maybe get a list of all the things i regularly experienced off my chest because I really don’t want to go to my inner circle or have backlash on this person.

Okay,

Gaslighting constantly some things that were common vocabulary (“name one time x happened, “I never said that”, “you said this (when I certainly did not)”, “so I’m crazy? (Never suggested or stated this)). The list goes on. Definitely questioned my own reality often.

Extreme scrutiny and berating. Walking on eggshells is an understatement. It got to the point where I actually wanted to avoid contact to avoid being belittled and scrutinized.

Very negative open reactions to declining sex. This one goes without explaining. But as a man I guess this is cultural to some extent.

Extremes of hot and cold. Again back to the eggshells. I would go weeks at a time without a hug initiated from my spouse. No compliments or endearing remarks. Then sporadic miniscule periods of the opposite. Made me feel very uncomfortable and unloved.

Isolating me from my family. This goes without saying. Had the words “you depend on your family too much” explicitly said to me. I mean I really don’t. I don’t see them A LOT and don’t talk to them all that often. Maybe if I’m in a bad spot my mom will send me $100 (not my wishes). Wanting to move me across country to get me away from them. Not letting me have private conversations with them about my issues.

Isolating me from my friends. I can’t think of the last time I hungout with my friends (in person or online) that it didn’t turn into an argument.

Isolating me from my hobbies. Again related to the previous point. But also again anytime I started a side hustle I couldn’t work on it without being guilted to stop spending time on it.

Financially isolating me. Gave them thousands of my savings. Took basically all of it and put towards stuff for us (things she wanted and I had to go along with). Wanting access to my bank account to monitor my spending.

“Never enough”. No matter what I do I can always do more. No matter how many hours I spend or money I put towards things for her it’s always brushed off. Ex. Spending weeks getting her her car, fixing it up (by hand), spending all the money on repairs, putting up the money for the purchase (initially). Brushed off as “you like cars so what”. That broke me.

And to many more to list. Just a lot of hurtful words and such.

The reason to me it is so confusing is because she never yelled insults at me, calling me names, or put her hands on me.

But looking back? I’m hurt.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I’m no saint but I never wanted to fight and took every “blow”

Anytime I stood up for myself I was “defensive”

Anytime I brought an issue up myself first (EXTREMELY rare. And i mean extremely) turned into a massive fight and gigantic reaction. No matter what the issue was. Small or big.

:/. I’ve been in therapy for depression for awhile. She did help me through my really bad anxiety initially which I guess made me feel forever indebted to our relationship.