I can relate a lot to this. Especially the repression, and being cut off from friends. The processing just catches me off guard and then memories come back, but I feel like I worked hard to repress them! I wish there wasn’t such a blowback. I similarly think it’s because I have the safe space to process now, but when I wake up from it I feel less safe. I’m still afraid, but maybe that doesn’t go away. I do really appreciate what you said that you’re mad FOR yourself not AT yourself. Thank you for those words.

I’m so sorry about your friends. Maybe it’s time to delete those messages? Sounds too easy to torture yourself with.

It has been less frequent over the years. It’s not something I dwell on, so it does get frustrating. I’m pretty good at self soothing (Bob’s Burgers and my cats do some heavy lifting) and my husband’s really kind and comforting through it he’s my everything. It just hurts to feel like a waste of space again. The dreams take me right back to those feelings of despair and like it wouldn’t matter if I were here or not. It takes time to build back up and I just wish that none of it had ever happened. It is helpful thank you for letting me whine lol really I’m a happy person and you’re right, it’s indicative of a safe life. Thank you!