I don't know how to start this. I'm in my room after a crazy day that started at 10:00am, it's now 4:02pm. Currently I am 2 years and 7 months deep into a relationship with someone I have come to love. We met at a college event, and she and me clicked immediately. The honeymoon phase went great of course. And as time went on we grew closer and closer and found new reasons to love each other. We face time every night since we live with our parents, and it has been going since.

I don't know when this began. But, somewhere down the line, I slowly started having freedoms taken from me that before, at the beginning, I had. Suddenly, I was lucky to my friends in a week. I had time to do it, but she would get upset if I chose them anytime over her when she was available. I started to notice a good friend of mine drift, and my others became a little more distant. I tried to make more time for them but she was making it a bit harder.

I have been sick with something recently too, and a little distant I will admit. I try to go to bed early to get rest. But she will become upset and say how we have not talked all day. In the morning, 1-2 days ago, she woke me up somewhat early and told me I had been sleeping forever, and was also telling me how we should do something through facetime like watching a show and it was time to get up (Not in a harsh way, but in a "time to wake up silly" way, if that makes sense lol). I said I wasn't feeling well and tried to explain how I was up most of the night coughing, so the amount of hours in the night didn't exactly mean that's how much sleep I got. I respectively asked her that for future reference, if she could let me get more sleep in when I am sick, that would mean a lot. She said a low volume "okay" and I tried to go back to sleep for the next 3 minutes but I was too awake. I decided it's whatever and when I went to go talk to her, I saw her facetime screen had been turned off, and she was muted. When trying to text her, the phone hung up abruptly, she called back but blamed it on service/cellular, but there was no loading icon, just a sudden hang up, it felt like she just hung up and called back for no reason. I was unsure of how to react, and ultimately I think I shrugged it off and went to eat breakfast.

I usually take a once a year family trip to see my family members that don't live where I do. I also go to see my brother once every spring break. At some point, during every trip I took, she would get upset if I had not texted for 1-3 hours, anywhere within that range. Then, the nights became hell, during the trips I would stay up late to comfort her for not talking to her, she would ask if I really do love her, and I would be up till 3am until I passed out, and she remained up.

In December my birth father passed, and we went up to Ohio for the funeral. It was hard, and texting became harder to do too. Which led to more issues. I would stay up till 2-3am most nights as she questioned our love and me telling her I loved her.

When I was back in town I tried to break up with her, but she was in my car and I never imagined it would go as bad as it did. Ultimately she convinced me leaving was not the right idea. And I began to question why I couldn't just come to a decision and stick with it. I still am right now.

This is just some of what I remember off of the top of my head. There is more things I am sure.

When I tried to break up today at 10:00am I spent 2 hours comforting her, by her car door, I held pretty strong, but I couldn't bring myself to walk away from her car the more she talked to me. I planned to be there for 10-20 minutes and comfort her, but she started saying things that made me think, and I made the mistake of remaining there. I was told things that I believe was meant to scare me, but ironically enough I am afraid they would happen. She was saying that if we broke up she would have to transfer, and there is no way she could see the school, let alone where we usually sit in our free time. She is taking a "capstone" summer course, and she was saying that she may not pass it now (It's due in 2 weeks). She said other things involving us and those we're only two big deviations I suppose. I feel so conflicted and strange. I KNOW this is bad for me, and her, why am I choosing to just not see this?! I know it's bad but I am struggling so hard to accept this. I have since typed up a long but thought out message I would send before I would probably block her. Basically just saying we are over with some reasoning as to why.

I am still unsure if I am in a emotionally abusive relationship, and looking at my phone right now wanting to send that text. But my brain keeps fighting the urge, telling me this isn't right. I have no clue what to do, and I feel so lost.

It's weird, at times it feels so clearly that I am in one, but it becomes so hard to accept this. I miss us, I miss the versions of ourselves when we first got together. Am I bad person and am just not seeing it?