I left my ex a month ago and my biggest source of anxiety has been finances. While we were together, he encouraged me to work less so I could “focus on myself,” all the while putting me down so I never did anything to better myself because I felt worthless. If I worked too much he accused me of sleeping with my coworkers. He paid our rent in full and I just covered groceries and small bills. Sometimes he wouldn’t pay the rent in full (“I’ll get it to you next week.”), but then would gaslight me into thinking he gave me the money already when I knew didn’t.

He encouraged me to lease my dream car (nothing luxurious, I just love the Chevy Blazer, but still an expensive payment) because he would always be there to help me out. He owned his own company doing blue collar work, so I often heard “I’ll get the money back to you as soon as I get the check from this project I just finished.” There were so many times I didn’t get the money back, but he always made me think I did.

He always acted like he had a lot of money. He bought me nice stuff and then threw it in my face when I “acted up.” Also a TON when I broke up with him. Turns out, he has been surviving on a ton of loans. I went through his phone before we broke up and saw a ton of money front apps downloaded and him asking multiple family members for money all the time. When I broke up with him, his aunt dead ass told me, “it might take him some time to save up for a place, you know he has issues with money.” This same man that promised we would be in a house and I would be pregnant by the end of this year. That promised me as soon as we were in a house, he was going to pay off all the credit card debt I accrued.

I have pretty much no savings (a couple thousand). I have been a bartender but just got a job in my field for a salary of 65k. I think it will be too time consuming for me to pick up a second job (marketing). I am terrified of not receiving cash every day and not being able to support myself. My rent is $1,100, my car is expensive, and I am $15k in credit card debt spread across multiple cards from things that happened during this relationship. Which means my monthly payments are A LOT. I owe the government $1,500 in taxes for last year. I won’t even go into student debt.

I am freaking out. I don’t know what to do. What can I do? I want to scream and cry every time I think about money. How can I dig my way out of this? Am I going to be homeless? Is there anywhere else I can post? I’m afraid to post in finance forms, because I feel like an idiot for getting myself into this mess and I seriously cannot handle anyone being rude to me about this, I already feel horrible enough.