Title says it all. Cleaning up and finally almost ready to go. Move out date set and all. Packing my things and all that. Found an old letter he wrote me before I came out of the fog and realized tons of shit, including the fact he sexually assaulted me at one point. But that's neither here nor there.

The letter basically said his emotional and physical withholding was my fault because when we first met he said he was asexual and didn't care about sex, and neither did I. He never told me that that wasn't the case or that his sexual needs changed.

So he starting emotionally and physically withholding from me for what I perceived as no reason because he never talked about it and refuses to. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong. I have trauma relating to that kind of withholding and my main love language is physical affection so this...really hurt. The only time he showed affection was when he was drunk during sex and eventually I started giving him sex so I could have a crumb of that affection but always felt so dirty and disgusted with myself afterwards.

In this letter he explains he did it because I didn't do spontaneous sex, morning sex, afternoon sex, etc. And truthfully I rarely did because I didn't think either of us wanted it or craved it because he had never told me otherwise, and when he started withholding I didn't do it because I felt like a cheap whore putting out for some affectionate touches and a kind word every time I did. I would end up crying after sex a lot when he left the room.

So yeah. So apparently it's my fault he emotionally abused me for years because I wasn't putting out because he never expressed his needs to me. /s

God my mood is tanked today. I can't wait till moving day.

Just wanted to vent.