I seriouslyy wish I could associate sex with anything other than him. He was abusive in other ways. Hes the only man I had consentual sex with (for the most part) and I keep craving that attention. It feels addictive. Consensual sex feels so great and I cannot lie, even though he abused me, I do crave our consesual but fucked up dynamic.

I can only think about him and it feels disgusting. Ive been holding off since February from hitting him up because he is a disgusting person. He is nasty. Its hard for me to go into detail but trust me, he is not a good man. He is very predatory.

I feel disgusting for craving him so much despite my knowledge of who he is, what he has done to me, what he has done to others. I am so tempted to engage in sexually risky behavjor and I am so tired of it. I can only think about him because hes my only good experience. And im hypersexual so its annoying as hell to think about him all the time. Hes 20 years older than me so it feels cathartic. I could never date or have sex with someone my age, I don't know why that is, but its scary.

I know if I do it, I will be halting my healing and recovery. I just straight up feel like hes the only positive sexual experience Ill have. I am mentally ill, autistic, I have an ugly face and weirdly shaped body, and sexual trauma that makes me unable to do a lot of things. Yet he still enjoyed intimacy with me, he made me feel so lovable and good. He never pushed me to do things I dont wanna do..

I crave intimacy so bad. No one is entitled or owed sex though-I just have to accept I won't ever find a sexual partner like him again. That he was just an oddity for being into me and for strong chemistry.. i have to remember the bad things about him. Im also painting this rosey image that hes sweet and kind, respects boundaries, but he did have many really creepy moments of coercion that i often excused and forget about. I guess since it was subtle it doesn't register as something i should speak up about though..

I may delete this but it felt relieving to type out. I keep getting voicemails and I am so tempted to just change my number because It is already so hard for me not to hit him up even though the acid in my belly from remembering him tells me no, im scared,please dont.