29 yo man here. Coming up on two years at this point. Not even sure if I have a question or need advice, I just want to get all this off my chest. Though, I'd gladly take some insight.

It took me until last summer to realize my ex-girlfriend was verbally / emotionally manipulative and abusive. Since then its been, weird. Part of it I think is that it's one of those things where you think "Oh, that's something that happens to other people, not to me." Yet here I am.

What gets me the most is that for the first six months or so she felt so safe. I generally struggle to get past a certain level of emotional depth with people, ( 'tism spectrum probably) but with her it was easy. We had some history from a few years prior, so that helped some. But for the first chunk of the relationship (which was all long distance) it felt really damn good. I felt safe, understood, seen, cared for. And that all just, slowly faded. By the end I was just in a daze most of the time, only half-present, horribly depressed.

At least from my perspective, whenever we'd have a big argument, inevitably something I'd told her in confidence would get thrown in my face. It made me stop wanting to tell her anything, out of fear she'd just stockpile it as ammunition for the next fight. Or if it wasn't that, often times I'd bring up a way she hurt my feelings, and she would find a way to turn it around on me, "Well I wouldn't have said XYZ if you hadn't _____." or "You started this when _____."

I'm not going to sit here and act like I'm infallible, I definitely fucked up plenty. Lost my temper and started yelling more than a few times. Missed non-verbal queues from her to drop a subject or whatever. Put my foot in my mouth a fair few times. Half of the yelling, I'm not even sure if I'm to blame for to be honest. I really do try and be an even-keeled person. I hate yelling, I got enough of that at home growing up. She would literally say shit to try and get a rise out of me because I was being "cold." And I say literally, because she owned up to it more than once. Hard to be emotionally present when the 'love of your life' doesn't feel safe, anymore.

I'm polyamorous by nature, and we were monogamous. I'd been transparent about it, and was faithful the whole relationship. Despite my best efforts to get her acquainted with my female friends so that she could understand our friendships, she'd accuse me of cheating or wanting to cheat, or getting too close with my friends constantly. Our last Christmas together, I had 3 of my closest friends send cards & cookies. All 3 mentioned my ex by name in their cards, wished Us well, inquired about her cat. But no my "...other fucking girlfriends all sent you Christmas cards." Honestly, I think that was partly because her friends literally didn't send her a thing. I don't even think her mom sent her anything. And I'm the asshole. The irony is, only one of us had an emotional affair, and it wasn't me.

It felt like the longer we were together, the more the individuality got sapped out of me. The house, had to be decorated her way. I couldn't have any space that was just for me. I wanted to grow my hair out, thought about trimming my goatee, get new tattoos, lose some weight. Negative responses to all of it. If I had to guess, I think she was horribly insecure and was worried what would happen if I realized my own worth.

Well I know my worth now, and it's a hell of a lot higher than either of us thought. All that said, holy shit did she do a number on me emotionally. Recovery has been a long road, but I'm finally to the point where I'm seeing the light on the other side. Honestly, now that I'm not quite so bitter, I hope she got some help for her drug problem. Prescribing rights and a class 2 narcotics problem seems like a dangerous mix.