Even though he was awful to me, I am so touch starved. I feel tempted everyday to go and see him. Its not even the sex I really want, its just the touch and the oxytoxin... the feeling of being held in someones arms

TW for sexual abuse...

And my sexuality is so messed up now too. I can only get turned on if I imagine him and the awful things we did. Only him. Like my sexuality is very messed up, like me and him roleplayed abusive dynamics and it felt addicting. Our intimacy was so dark and gritty. It made it addictive I guess. He calls me names and it turns me on. I hate that I associate being degraded, hit and being subservient with a good sex life. Being with a much older man, hes a few months older than my own father. I was always such a fawn and it leeches into my sex life too.

He was always so creepy and would procedurally keep on testing things out on me, to get me out of freeze-mode to sex-mode. Like, I would clearly be uncomfortable and frozen and he'd do weird things to make me in the mood. Once he licked my neck and that made me go out of freeze mode. Or he took my fingers and started sucking on them. Its so confusinf why I did this. Its like an intense nervous system thing. Sometimes I reenacted trauma from my childhood of physical abuse. Id have him hit me. I dont know why I did it. I know its wrong. I know its disgusting. But he liked it. Its like my past turned him on. He liked taking care of me when i froze and had panic attafks during sex

I was often clearly uncomfortable with his advances, but then suddenly he will do something unexpected like that, and it sends a signal to my brain. Then i start getting all intimate with him, like he wants. But sometimes it wouldnt work, and he'd keep touching my body or other weird stuff to me. I'd just be curled up in a fetal position while he did it all. It made me feel almost-molested because I never consented but he kept doing it and my instinct is to freeze and endure it until I have the strength to flee and get the heck home...

He made me feel so weird and I forget so many things :(

I just feel so disgusting typing all. I hate how I feel a mix of shame, fear and being very turned on all at once when I think about my sexual encounters with him. My nervous system is so messed up. I want my sex life to be positive and "vanilla", not this hot-mess of abusive dynamics. Last night I kept missing him. I hate that I am turned on by creeps. Like this guy at work who keeps touching my hands very intimately (like interlocking his fingers with mine, massaging my arms, or pulling me in close to his body).. i get turned on by it yet scared and I hate it. It reminded me of my ex and I was so tempted to see him. I hate this slurry of chemical reactions and hormones in my body. Its like fight-or-flight and intense horniness at the same time

I guess Im just venting because I feel alone but I feel certain i can't be the only one who has had a bad dynamic like this. I know therapy is probably the only way for me to heal from what he's done to me. I feel so weird about everything and I feel like my sexuality is pretty much unhealthy and ruined by my trauma from both him and other things in my past.

It sux man. Venting this out made me feel less alone though. Its a lot to keep in. I hate that i struggle with something like this. I hate that i am turned on and attracted to people who dont respect basic boundaries. Im attracted to people who just disregard whatever I am feeling for their own benefit