TW for discussion of a pedophile.. I feel like an absolute piece of shit for what I am doing. I am in a not-so-good relationship with a much older man who recently revealed himself to me that he is a pedophile.

I know rationally I have to leave. He is disgusting. He is horrible. He told me that when he was 21 he was very tempted to sleep with a 14 year old. He is now in his 40s. I demanded an explanation of why he thinks that was ok. He said "my whole life I look way younger than my real age, I can never get anyone my age." (Yes, he is a really short man and yes he did look like a young boy in his 20s, when he went after this child. yes he looks like hes in his 30s despite being mid 40s, he mentally is not mature at all; but still, that doesnt make it ok.)

I am an adult decades younger than him, but..I am an adult.. so I was always ok with it, even if it was kinda creepy to outsiders. But hearing about a literal minor being in his eyes of interest makes me want to puke. I am so disgusted, I feel so split up inside. Even though he didn't date her, he implied he would have if circumstances allowed it and that just disgusta me. It disgusts me how even 20 years later he tells me this story like its a funny innocent story, rather than him grooming and being ready to prey on a young 14 year old. I am in my mid 20s and I see teenagers as children. I keep gettinf gaslit into thinking "oh its ok" but ITS NOT OKAY. LET CHILDREN BE CHILDREN. CREEPY ADULTS, STOP PREYING ON THEM. Holy shit.

Its really wearing me down I keep lettinf him in and out of my life. Im okay with him abusing me but when I add this in with other things he told me, I realize I have been dating a pedophile. An adult interested in children. I keep feeling obligated to stay with him becayss of his mental health but then another part of me doesn't care if just ups and dies.

I cant process this. Hes expecting me to stay in gus life and I cant even look at him the same anymore. Hes si disgusting but i feel disgusting, like an enabler for having him in my life. He manipulates me so well its scary. I dont want to be his puppet anymore. I do not live with him but I am scared of everything that might happen should I bloxk him.

I feel so gross disgusted and confused I will make the right choice and block him. Why is if so difficult for me to do this though? What is wronf with me for even hesitating when hea such a gross manipulative creepy scumbag

Edit: blocked him today. I know he will call from different numbers or maybe even appear at my job but i dont care anymore. I always give in and I must stop