Long back story. Sorry, just wanted to get things off my chest. F39, been married to M39 for 14 years, together for 20.

I've always had mental health struggles. Self harm, depression, lack of confidence. I think around 2004ish, I just decided to shut myself down. To act normal, to deny anything being wrong with me. I became dead inside.

Years later, and with 2 kids, in 2018 I had a breakdown. Long story short the result of that was coming to terms with who I am. That's when things changed. Since then, he would wrap me in cotton wool. Things like constant phone calls and curfews when I went out with friends, which was a rarity because I'd somehow lost them all during our relationship.

There have been times when he's been out of work and I've worked full time. And times when I've been on part time or maternity leave and he's worked full time. Currently I'm working full time and trying to progress my career.

Strange things about the man - he's never had his own bank account. All his wages go into my account, and I have to deal with all the bills. He literally can't do anything financial. Up to the point when I'm not there, he gets me to order him take out on Uber eats or whatever.

Post-breakdown years have me looking at everything differently. I'm somehow treated like a child and a mother to him. I have to conceal my emotions around him because I'm either hysterical, depressed or whatever in his eyes. I'm pretty sure he gaslights me (like getting angry when I say I'm going out with people from work, leaving the room, then coming back later and asking if I'm still angry. Asking where I go, when I'm going, who I'm going with, when I bought that thing I'm wearing, why my makeup is like that, why I never dress up for him, why we never go out...).

I'm not happy. I'm not in love. I hate him touching me.

I'm happy on my own. I don't want my kids to think this is a normal way a husband treats a wife. I want then to have a happy mother.

I'm just so fucking exhausted.