This is moreso to no one and meant for the void.

It’s no clue that I suffer from intense anxiety and probably moreso then most people are me in my physical life. This last few months have been really challenging emotionally for me, as I’ve been experiencing my first set of panic attacks since Jan. There isn’t much that helps me on the longer scale of things, because though I haven’t had one in a while, the back of my mind is now always worried that they will come back. They’re embarrassing, horrible, and I honestly can’t afford the therapy I’d need to really be able to talk to a professional about them and I feel very much like a burden to the people in my real life. I have some coping methods to deal with them, but the worst part of them for me personally is when I feel so disconnected from my surroundings and the loudness of my head. Only small things have helped during these times like playing loud music to drown out the overwhelming pulse I hear or just chatting with someone in person also helps me. Studying Physics has also sort of helped during the more mild panic attacks as the math seems to help my brain calm down.

I just feel pretty alone in the sense of wanting people to open up to about these without feeling like I’m burdening them also. I want to feel normal again, but the worst part about them is how different I’ve felt in connection with my mind and body ever since they started happening. It’s hard to feel like I’m myself and I really hope that eventually I can get back to a different kind of normal without feeling so lost in my mind. It sometimes feels like my brain was supposed to get off at a busstop with everyone else, but for some reason it went somewhere else. It’s hard to feel like I’ll ever be normal again without the threat of these looming in the back of my mind.