I had a weird experience recently. I found myself in either an emotional flashback or under a protector’s influence while shopping, felt the wariness towards my parents burn just as strong as it used to 10 years ago. I literally wanted to growl when thinking of mother approaching or showing me that fake type of kindness. I felt immense satisfaction by thinking that I may hurt her… That she’ll get what she deserves.

and just randomly remembered/imagined my therapist asking me “if I’m angry right now?”That thought instantly made me freeze. I wasn’t able to link my emotions to words. I wasn’t able to verbalize them at all. It felt like my brain kept violently pointing in some direction, like “THIS. THIS!” while confused and unable to even think verbally unless I mentally disconnected from the emotion. I just stood there, staring dumbly at fruits and I knew that if I were in therapy, no matter how stupid I felt, that would happen as well. I would just sit there panicking inside, desperately searching for a way to answer the question or hide the problem.“She CAN’T see this. I can’t let her see it.” sort of.

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and I just wonder why? what causes those feelings? did anyone ever wonder about that? it feels so instinctive to desperately want to hide it. it’s not logical. I was literally desperate for a way to deny reality and it wasn’t the first time this happened. Yeah yeah, “DID/OSDD are covert disorders”, they are meant to be hidden… (cough cough, that makes me feel weird because I don’t think this goes beyond cPTSD dissociative tendencies and I’m really not here to argue about that) but why? (is it because I don’t want to accept the possibility myself? does it go away once you’re fine with it? Though if so what makes it so hard to accept plurality anyway??? I know. ironic. I feel that fear strongly yet can’t understand why at all. it’s just so wrong for some reason)