I need ideas. I’ve been trying to figure myself out for about half a year now, with a lot of data but few results. My symptoms fit the criteria of none of: DID, OSDD-1, DP/DR disorder, nor BPD despite having some elements of them. I gave up on trying to identify myself with any of the labels and although I heavily suspect I’ll get an OSDD diagnosis just because of it being a “catch all”, I am damn certain this is NOT OSDD-1 at least.
At this point I’m basically just trying to figure out the mechanism behind my symptoms unrelated to any labels.

Please help. I’m not expecting to get a diagnosis out of here, just some ideas to explore. Having nothing to anchor my thoughts to brings uncertainty and pushes me into denial of everything including ever having cPTSD at all :/ It’s just so weird… especially since it seems so FAIR. This might not be anything serious, just… idk.
Laziness, standard dissociative symptoms and normal human brain complexity? (if the symptoms can be explained that way as well, PLEASE do comment on it as well)

Anyway, about my symptoms:

1. Dissociative amnesia
I do notice it though it’s mostly caused by stress. (not switching alters)
It’s not total amnesia either, more as if certain links between neurons get snipped. If something at work stresses me out, the memory of emotions and of chores will be separated. (if someone asked me how was your day at work, “ehh, boring. Just the same chores” would feel like a totally COMPLETE answer… while if I remember that I WANT TO talk about emotions with them, after hearing the same question I’ll instantly think of “I was so pissed! I was searching for videos that could explain age regression yet only kept finding people glorifying and doing it on purpose. I was disgusted by the thought of having to identify myself with them. Got really stressed out at some point.”. It just feels weird to not instinctively remember the majority of my day.

I also often find that if I TRULY can’t recall something, I WILL remember it once someone talks about it or if I spontaneously happen to think of it anyway. I just can’t do it on purpose. And again, most of it can be linked to stress.

There were a few moments when it was linked to “suddenly stopping the dissociation”. For example- my parents used to blame me for not doing/trying hard enough. Having to help them for too long triggers pretty bad DR/DP symptoms. Last time it happened when I was helping them out in their summer house during a weekend- I found myself totally out, on autopilot, with headaches, inability to feel emotions except for yearning to escape, run away, stop existing, numb and dreamy. Nothing seemed to help until I decided to take a nap all of the sudden. Woke up “ok”, somewhat happy, helping my parents out after that didn’t trigger the same dissociation symptoms at all.
Later on, on my way back home I noticed being in denial of having any trauma at all. Couldn’t wrap my head around how such nice people could ever hurt me. It’s hard to tell how my memories looked like back then because I was clearly aware of “thinking that” I had cPTSD symptoms before, but all of it just felt like a dream. The description felt unlike me. Not something I identified with. I didn’t understand why I ever liked my current best friends either. Same as before, I just felt no connection to them.
It’s worth noting that I DO feel those feelings and thoughts were mine right now. I can fully relate to “having fun while helping my parents” and to “feeling so nice and fluffy while denying cPTSD altogether”. So the emotional(?) amnesia seemed only temporary.

There were also a few moments when I noticed full blown amnesia during therapy. Basically, forgetting all or parts of previous sessions. There’s a repeating pattern of me forgetting stuff with “anger” being the trigger.

The first time- I probably attended the meeting while in denial of trauma (felt nice and fluffy while talking about unimportant stuff and avoiding stressors) and got angry at myself while leaving the room after therapy was over. I didn’t want to be like this. It’s pathetic. I’m just wasting time… Next session I found myself unable to recall anything related to that session except for the vague feeling that I was wasting time and the image of me leaving while angry. I still have no clear memories of it.

Another time (more recently), I got angry during therapy… I kept trying to talk about OSDD symptoms for a few weeks already and feeling illogical paranoia and incredibly strong resistance (thoughts disappearing, chest tightness, shaky fingers, tears) when trying to. During that one meeting, none of that happened though? I remember realizing that I feel like I CAN talk this day and I did… :/ I miss a giant chunk of what happened then. I remember entering, starting the conversation… then there’s nothing… and she asked if I was angry at the end of the session… I responded that “yes, I was”. I remember saying that “I want to talk more about the anger next time”. I don’t know what I meant???? I mean, “yeah I get angry sometimes”, what else can I say lol????
Normally I fail to recall trauma-related anger as well. My memories of trauma are in the form of 3-rd person’s pov pictures vague descriptions of what happened. No emotions. I KNOW I felt treated unfairly, I was angry, I wanted to stop existing, not to feel… and I “know” all of it it but can’t “feel it”.

2. DP/DR symptoms.
Obviously, I have them lol. Not much though, far less than I’d expect from someone with a dissociative disorder. My DES-II scores fluctuate between 18-20 which is closer to the results of BPD patients than OSDD or even PTSD.

3. Flashbacks
I don’t get vivid ones. I often get emotional (emotionally feeling in the past, feeling like my current friends don’t exist despite being logically aware of them) and physical ones (mostly just a random body freeze response. I just don’t want to move, don’t want to think, don’t want to breathe while I DON’T feel stressed), though I get no visual flashbacks nor any combination of those above. Not as intense as I’d expect people with DID/OSDD to have.

4. Hearing voices
I don’t. I never did. I do experience something I think works pretty similarly though.
I think it’s correct to assume I cut off access to some brain areas from time to time (especially if stress-related). I noticed some of my thoughts seeming “weak” every once in a while.

Thoughts like “I want to stop playing that game!” will be devoid of emotions and images. As if, I’ll “hear” my though in a voice-like way, but I won’t instinctively understand it. I won’t “understand” what it means to stop playing it. I won’t see the actions needed to take to stop playing the game. I won’t feel my emotions being connected to that thought (I will THINK that I want to stop but I won’t FEEL like I want to). It’s just “sound”.
It can get to the point of me being miserable, hating myself, feeling disgust with my state, thinking that “I want to stop procrascinating”… yet being unable to instinctively imagine what this means and therefore unable to take action. I don’t know if this makes sense… there doesn’t seem to be an alter controlling my behavior while I’m “out”. No one is there. It’s just like being on autopilot, which I guess is just heavy DP.

I sometimes notice those “voice- like thoughts” when being in denial of something in general. Thoughts like “I’ll be angry at myself if I don’t study” will often be “sound-like”. I won’t instinctively understand what “I” “angry” nor “study” means.

5. Identity alteration (alters)
…My personality and values change a lot. There doesn’t seem to be much structure to it. It might be explainable by simple ego states and normal brain complexity.

My handwriting changes a lot though I’ve only started to notice it fairly recently. The first time around a year ago.

The first distinct handwriting that appeared – was after a 2-year long period of non-stop DP/DR symptoms. I suspect I “snapped out” of it while still severely emotionally restricted, which was reflected in my handwriting. I LOVED that. It made my handwriting so pretty and systematic, it’s normally so messy. And it’s not like I focused on making it that way, it just felt more natural to write like that… After some time it disappeared, maintaining it started to require effort which (I think) coincided with the period of time when my normal emotional range started to return.
The 3’rd handwriting style SEEMED TO appear 1-2 months after another long dissociative period (with a lag for some reason???? Which makes no sense????). This time instead of emotions, I found myself denying “my individuality”, “need for self development” and “trauma”. Handwriting got way rounder. (I’ll probably post some pics to make this easier :/ link to the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/OSDD/comments/za1w3r/help_make_sense_of_the_symptoms_seemingly/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 )

Normally- all of this sort of blends out. Extremes happen rarely. My handwriting may lean one way or another and seems mostly random (unrelated to how I feel in the moment). I also rarely feel my brain access being so restricted. Often still fall into denial-mode

6. Trauma/cPTSD
It’s funny. Guess what. My cPTSD comes from 11 yo. I HAD long traumatic periods before but they did NOT give me cPTSD.
Basically utter loneliness 2,5-4yo and I got a mix of being socially abandoned (being treated like “a toy” for everyone in my group, and “picked to play” or “denying my existence” on a whim) at the same time both of my siblings were born which I suspect could have had some impact based on my current illogical disgust towards babies and some similarly illogical feelings of anger and unfairness when anything related to “family obligations” pops up. I remember nothing family-related from that time period nor anything that could explain the feelings.
I remember only bits and pieces from my family life after that… While I remember my school life (7-11yo) quite vividly (I was happy, had good friends), my family life is just in shambles.
I DO remember trying not to stay at home, trying to be with my friends for as long as possible. I preferred to play outside or at their places than invite them to my room (which was probably because one of my friends had a TV, cool toys and a really cool mom, I don’t think I had any serious reasons for not being home)…
and I do have strong reasons to believe I had positive family experiences back then (I remember talking with my school caretakers about my family, how I admired my dad, how I happily waited for parents to return and pick me up).

To be fair though, my parents’ love was VERY conditional. There was no “teaching” how to behave. You’re either a good kid and get love and support… or you’re bad and get blamed, threatened, your stuff thrown out and get systematically abandoned/removed from the family until you “fix” the unwanted behavior… and when you do everything flips and everyone forgets about everything, treating you like a perfect kid again. I only got hit twice though. Hit NOT beat up. (pretty sure about that one, there was NO physical punishment in my family normally, only emotional).
I was “bad enough” for my parents to flip totally in my teenage years, which gave me cPTSD symptoms from 11-12 to 20 yo but that’s already past the period when it’s possible for OSDD to develop. My memories from that period of time are “shattered” as well. I am certain I did NOT have cPTSD prior to that.

7. Symptoms I noticed prior to learning of dissociation

There isn’t much of it. Again, I never heard voices. I haven’t noticed any handwriting changes until a year ago. I don’t remember any inconsistencies in my behavior. I just had cPTSD symptoms. The only thing I know is being strongly emotionally disconnected. Usually when I cry, I don’t know why. I don’t FEEL sad, tears are just falling. My hands can shake probably from stress, while I feel totally FINE. Maybe slightly annoyed. I often feel that sort of tightness in my chest which feels identical to fear, yet I’m not consciously aware of it. When I focus on the feeling, my thoughts start to loop around being “sorry, so sorry, so sorry” or “not wanting to exist, just wanting to disappear, not feeing safe with self awareness at all”… yet the emotions won’t match this. I will feel FINE… with just some looping thoughts
Those aren’t the classic OSDD/DID symptoms though. I’d expect more specific stuff if I actually had anything related :/

I had memory issues in childhood though they seem correlated with worsening cPTSD, my memory seemed perfectly fine during the happy period of time between 7-11yo and slightly later (12-13yo I was still fine-ish). I started “suddenly getting dumb” (probably dissociating) and having problems at school only after that. Again- the dissociative symptoms don’t match the period of time during which OSDD would have to develop.

To summarize- my current thoughts are- I’ll probably get diagnosed with OSDD anyway… Not OSDD-1 though. No matter what, ALL thoughts are mine. My brain seems to act like a whole even when some of the thoughts become “sound-like”. All of them are controlled by me. There is only 1 person in my head despite the identity confusion. The DES-II scores are way too low.

How the fuck does all of that work though???? Maybe this can be explained by weird ratios of DP/DR?
DR could MAYBE cause me not to perceive humans as real, therefore my social fears would disappear (which explains the correlated confidence and lack of interest in people, the structured handwriting), maybe DP could cause the feeling of “emptiness” (which would then explain why I tend to lose “my individuality and personal desires”, lose myself in social desires the round handwriting).
I don’t know.
Those are not alters, again- all thoughts are mine. There is no confusion when “switching”, the amnesia is damn inconsistent, I rarely get the feeling of being unable to relate to my previous actions and even when I do- it ends up blending out later on.
I don’t have BPD either. I’m very emotionally disconnected. Very stable. I used to describe myself as afraid of abandonment though I might have repressed that memory as well (or just changed… people grow).

Hell, how do I go about it in therapy???? Parts work would make me feel disgusted. Talking about my symptoms and getting validation makes me feel disgusted. Like I’m not talking about myself. I’m making a big deal out of nothing
I don’t fucking want that look of understanding, there’s nothing to understand there. Hell, I admit I might not be logical here, I would be pretty resistant to parts work or IFS for all of those reasons though. (to be fair I don’t think it’s a good idea anyway)

Bleh
it’s silly how I still go into denial despite all of that :/ After writing all of that “denial” feels so illogical

Anyway- Any ideas or theories are appreciated. Or similar experiences perhaps :/

(kudos to you if you’ve gotten to the end btw… I realize I might have written a bit too much as for a single post)