So, a funny thing happened a couple weeks ago when on a whim I watched a video by the channel DissociaDID and I basically lost control emotionally and a torrent of feelings came out. Like more powerful than anything I can remember feeling. And when I went back to their channel the same thing happened again and again. However, I knew from the very beginning that it was impossible that I had DID, because i never ever lose time and feel like I have a pretty consistent set of memories. and i had heard her talk about osdd and I felt like maybe that was a different name for DID since she (the host) frequently paired them up.

So time for a little context, I spent my entire teenage years in a state where I was basically incapable of emotions, I felt like every conversation I had had a way that i needed to respond and I felt like a robot disguised as a human essentially, and when I did feel something it was basically random and episodic and impossible to replicate. There was also a massive lack of executive functioning that came with it too, inability to organize or plan, absolutely no short term memory, and the world was distorted, bland and felt not fake but thin like a hollywood set. SSRIs helped, anime helped even more (for a long time it was my only dependable source of pleasure and emotion), and then I sort of realized i was trans, and that this was probably just depersonalization as a way of processing dysphoria which is very common.

However, although im very happy with the changes ive had on hormones I've noticed this constant battle between my "real self" and "my old self", with me finding that the old version of me has taken over every few days and having to deeply meditate and use things like sensory deprivation to bring the new me back. They also have very different ways of speaking, different mannerisms, preferences and such. It really feels like part of me has the rest under lockdown, and there are 2 ways to stop it: intense and committed relaxation and having a dominant person take charge of me, which is not something i can be dependent on.