I was questioning myself a lot a few months ago. I was not in a good state. Lots of flashbacks and emotional instability. Fears appearing and disappearing on a whim. Lots of emotional amnesia, moments of total blackouts, sometimes noticeable right after dissociation. I kept getting stuck in a set of feelings, not understanding my previous emotions despite logically remembering it all. I just couldn’t relate to the thoughts.

Had some intrusive feelings/images/intentions.

My handwriting started seriously deviating from how it used to be. At first I liked it but I am very fucking sure that I never actually planned any of it. I developed 3 different writing styles that seemed to pop in and out, one appearing first 2 years ago (then it disappeared), the other about half a year ago, both after intense periods of dissociation. Prior to that I have never noticed anything the like.

I was dead certain that something was wrong… seriously considered the possibility of being a system or at the very fucking least BPD. The main thing that kept me in doubt was that my cPTSD was not caused by anything in early childhood. 11 pretty much. It did not make sense for me to develop the disorder

And guess what xD I didn’t. 3-ish months have passed since it largely stopped. I still get emotional flashbacks and dissociate but then the memory issues and emotional memory barriers seem to be gone. My handwriting has returned to how it initially was (or close to that at least). The intrusive feelings/intentions/images have only popped in 3-4 times since (only once in the last 1,5 month). Seems to be getting rarer. I’m guessing it’s directly related to how much I dissociate. The same thing happened after my first intense dissociation period 2-ish years ago.

Maybe I should mention- I did NOT show any signs of structural dissociation while growing up.

Which is somewhat interesting, I’ve done A LOT of research while trying to figure out what all of that nonsense was and no one really talked about the possibility of non-constant structural dissociation. Maybe I am still wrong about it all but I went thorough some damn bullshit and it really seems to be calming down over time. I can relate to everything that happened in the last year. No emotional memory issues

This info has no value for people who did experience intense trauma in the necessary age period but then I hope it might give some info to people who didn’t, yet still show symptoms eerily similar to structural dissociation.

Based on the new handwriting that I observed 2 years ago reappearing half a year ago (along with the new one), I’m guessing despite me feeling seemingly fine and “whole” some changes to the neural connections must have occurred. They do not seem enough to prevent me from feeling complete after the dissociative period has ended tho.

Just posting for info, if this ever changes, I will remove or edit this post. Feedback is appreciated.

P.edit: …some emotional memory issues still persist after all :/ though the handwriting continues to be stable. Sigh