I don’t know if what I write makes sense, I don’t even know what that feeling is. I was terribly dissociated most of the day today, spent 3/4 of it taking care of my parents’ dog. They are admittedly not the best owners… Neglectful and mildly abusive if there are behavior issues. Since I first noticed it I’ve been trying to make up for it, even if a tiny bit. I give the dog attention, I try to take care of it whenever possible (mainly during weekends) and frankly, I’m really not surprised by how it grew attached to me… Whenever I’m over he pretty much ignores his owners, jumping all over me, staying near the door as if worried that I’ll leave without him… I probably gave it abandonment issues… but I also can’t take care of it on my own, it makes me dissociate so hard. I highly suspect that’s the reason for my utter loss of emotional connection to uni-related stuff sometimes and I’m still struggling with that.

anyway, I was taking care of it again this day… I had fun… it’s really just such a warm feeling to see that someone loves and needs you in such a pure way, even if it’s just a dog.

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The thing is, normally I just kinda forget about the dog and move on with my life after going back home but today I couldn’t… I kept getting that weird brain nudge and intrusive impulses/images to touch the dog’s nose or pet it on the belly. I felt sOmEtHinG which I guess must have been some sort of familial love/care but it felt absolutely fucking disgusting. It still does. I CAN recall the feelings related to the dog if I try but it makes me so weirdly paranoid, not in my body. My thoughts temporarily disappear while the (intrusive?) feeling persists and I start feeling fear and disgust until they disappear to the level of an unidentifiable brain nudge at least. I don’t want to feel it. Holy fuck, BLEH. The feeling of caring for the dog is absolutely normal and it didn’t bother me a few hours before but it doesn’t feel normal right now AT ALL. I want to move on, just make all of it disappear

I GUESS you could call it being disgusted while feeling the feelings of someone else… frankly, maybe that’s why I’m writing here again :/ I don’t even know what I’m trying to say… maybe I’m looking for someone to relate to. :/

Are intrusive feelings even supposed to feel disgusting? The heck does that feeling come from???? It’s not the first time I have noticed it and it’s always in similar situations- getting freaked out by an alien emotion… but why disgust???? bruh