Recently I got triggered by a coworker. Became angry, wanted to smash his face into the ground, laugh, step on him, see him suffer… those fantasies were my main way to cope in high school (and don’t really appear anymore) so I assumed I must be having an emotional flashback… fittingly, the emotions lasted less than 30min and disappeared in a matter of seconds while I found myself confused why it would make me so angry in the first place. And that’s normal.

What confuses me- a short while later I realised that I have almost no memory of last week’s therapy session. Right after that I noticed that the same applies to the entirety of the current day. I could piece the info back together with effort but my memories seemed to be in pieces, hard to get access to. That sent me into a panic… which passed a few hours later.

What confuses me so much tho- if the amnesia was caused by anything similar to a switch- why the absolute hell do I remember all of it rn?? :/ my memory of that time seems seriously fine. Not shattered and inaccessible like before- it is fine. (P.edit: mostly. I mean, I still feel none of that “fear” and what I wanted to vent about back then is a bit blurry but that’s seriously incomparable to the memory issues described above)

I didn’t feel dissociated back then, it makes little sense for it to be caused by an inability to focus. This is not the first time I noticed it working like that and it confuses me a ton. Is it just plain dissociation???? Is it even possible to get amnesia while not feeling any symptoms at all? I could have missed them though I DO try to pay attention. If I experienced any, they must have been light.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say, none of this makes any sense to me.